Age(ing)...

You know that age is catching up with you when you find yourself:
1) Hanging out at Toa Payoh rather than Takashimaya@Orchard
2) A walking advertisement for food stalls/stores rather than upmarket and trendy apparel/accessories shops
3) Eyed suspiciously by the bus driver who thinks you are (mis)using a student concession EZ link card
4) Showing the EZ link card without any protest nor defiance at the overzealous driver's demands
5) Forgiving the driver's impertinence as a trait of his youth, with sage that goes beyond the years
6) Served by waiters/waitress, salesman, salesgirl who blurt out all so respectfully that you are their GRAND (to the power of x) senior in sec sch/JC and from then on, look in awe at the archaic artefact in you throughout the dining/shopping trip.
7) Trading the teenyboppers' tunes on Perfect 10, Power 98 for the soothing (aka mature) songs of Class 95 and Gold 90.5
8) Brazenly shoved fliers of a wedding agency cum bridal studio cum slimming centre.

Okay, I get the hint. Bleah...

Relapse

My handphone has gone into relapse once again leaving the entire left row of the keypad absolutely insensitive to touch and me, severely handicapped from messaging. Note i said once again- this is probably the 8th or 9th time this has happened during my one year plus with it.I dun even dare utter a word about its misfunctioning at home anymore- not after I chose not to heed the countless offers/advice/ warnings from family and friends to trade-in the phone whenever the problem creeps up.

How do I explain my reluctance/my failure to react time and again? I should be all too familiar with its temperament to trade it in when it resumed functionality, when it can fetch a higher price. Yet, I never did learn my lesson. Whenever it miraculously regains sensitivity again, my resolution melts and all its past trespasses are forgotten and forgiven. All is fine once again as I fervently and furiously flex my fingers on its keypad. However, I like the new, pretty, slick models that have surfaced after it, no matter how much I have contemplated getting more attractive brands, I have this special attachment to this phone, my phone, the phone that has accompanied me through a turbulent year or so.

Should I let go? Write a promise somewhere that when/if it ever works properly again, I should trade it in immediately? I dun think I will do that... for love is blind isn't it? Try replacing the 'it' for a he and it sounds like the all too familiar, real-life story one hears of this gal waiting for a guy that's totally doesn't deserve her allegiance? Whom you wonder why she's so silly? Whom, you think you would NEVER be because she's just so insane while you are rational, know when to let go... Don't be too quick to judge.

Meantime, I am clinging on to the glimmer of hope for my hp's recuperation.

Home-sick

Finally, after three weeks of zipping and crawling with the bipolar nature of time, a respite is here in the form of a public holiday. A much needed break away from the drone and demands of school, work, people and news to be by myself and sort out my thoughts- and also, it's high time I make an appearance ...at home.

Home has but, been a hotel room I have whisked in and out of the past few weeks. Need this precious one day to re-familiarize myself with the daily and routine sights and smells of the refuge I have increasingly neglected in the midst of juggling school, work and meetings with friends. Also to sort through and appease the unsettled feeling and listlessness that refuse to drown whilst i zip from place to place, meeting to meeting, friends to friends these weeks. Seemingly busy, but no idea with what, where and whom.

If You Are Happy

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands...

A song sang by all ages, through all times. A question seemingly so simple, part of a song & action ensemble which a few years ago, I would have clapped along spontaneously but the act of clapping requires much more self-persuasion and convincing today.... am I happy?

Somehow, the state of happiness appear to have mutated with age. The threshold to experiencing happiness is raised and ironically, trivalised at the same time. While as a child much pleasure are derived from having a family holiday, discovering a good book, attending sunday school, now, the joy of it all has either been taken for granted/diminished/ forgotten. These days, being 'happy' has permutated to much more materialistic pursuits- getting the sleek phone used by the rich and famous, having a lavish meal at a posh restaurant, going for holiday in a place like Europe. Short-lived shots of pleasure and light-headedness - not unlike drinks and drugs -that drowns out the misery of failure and loss momentarily but often leaving one miserable and empty when the effects wear out. A kind of happiness that doesn't run deep, that dilutes as one grows older, that doesn't serve as an anchor of strength in not-so-good times. A plastered-on appearance of happiness beneath which lies much unsurety, jadedness and a general sense of not knowing what one needs and wants.

If you're happy and you know it and you really want to show it, clap your hands.

Some of the questions posed to me in a recent conversation: What does it mean to be happy? If a person had clapped his/her hands as the song prompted...is he/she really happy? or is it that he merely thinks he is but actually he isn't? What makes one happy? Can happiness be learnt? Can I be happy just by telling myself I am happy? Questions that I have a strong suspicion will be answered with much ease if i was much younger...but right now, i'm giving the most non-committal and most overused phrase of our times...I don't know.

Making Room...

As Chinese New Year looms closer, it's high time i make room- for the influx of mouth-watering pastries and savouries ahead. It's feasting time.

Being Rich...

Got a taste of being rich, don't mean to brag(but brag i must:P)-am filthy rich this term... even if it's only in e-dollars sense(boo-hoo, the revelation has lost me some friends, hasn't it:P). Was at the point of having too much on my hand and not knowing what to do with it. Wished it could have been donated to better causes in helping the needy all around me ...that would have made me a philanthropist:)... but too bad it couldn't.

Being in that position also enlightened me of the saying that money can't bring happiness. Prior to this, while i continue to spout it, I have always silently regarded it as paupers, not being able to enjoy the luxuries, spout to comfort themselves and spurn the rich. However,some of the truth in the saying was shed this BOSS.

While I had the comfort of splurging on my courses, my friends didn't. Ending up in the class alone because you outbidded your friends is no fun at all, nor are the endless choices that have to be considered and contemplated because I could 'afford' to bid for them all. Not being able to share the 'riches' also makes it yours and yours alone- with nobody able to feel and partake in the happiness and the joy...

Expired

Your password will expire in 5 days, do you want to change it now?

Suffering from an overload of passwords, just yesterday, a certain account was deactivated because I had a try to many on trying to recall my password. 5 more days to churn up another string of 8 characters...

Talkative

Yakking (verb): an all-time favourite activity. The scene gets vibrant at the beginning of each sem and peaks especially when elated, sad, bored, stressed, busy, free, et. al

If my primary/secondary and maybe even JC teachers see me now, they must be wondering how their judgement were so wrong. Without fail, comments in the report book always meandered around the adjective 'quiet'. One worried teacher was even perturbed enough to call my mum up to alert her about my silence.

The past three days, I have spent 5 hours talking on the phone, up to 8 hours each day sparring on MSN and an equal or more time chatting face-to-face friends. Whoa...I have evolved a long way from the 'very quiet, needs to speak up more' girl, haven't i?

Am i trying to prove them wrong? Or am I just a late starter in this area? Have I changed? Or have circumstances changed me? Is this for the better, or for worse?
Is there an all-of-the- above choice?

It's funny how some friends commented recently how reticent I am. Considering the hours I devote to talking, does the argument extend that I have been spouting thrash all these while? Probably...I have to admit. Pronounced guilty of lots of gossiping. Gotta repent. Gonna set a curfew for myself on MSN again. Hopefully, won't go into relapse till the term ends.

Coming back to the question, well, I suppose at heart, I am still quiet about some personal matters, alright, maybe more than 'some', okay fine, probably most. I just dun like/feel comfortable about voicing them. Perhaps, I am just overpossesive of them as my problems, my woes, my privacy or maybe, I just dunno how to express them well. It's so much easier to throw a cloak around these matters and talk about light, frivolous stuff like eye candies rite?*wink* So don't probe, will ya?

Addendum: Thank all you readers for your participation in the guessing game. The contest has ended and cranberrymist looks forward to your continual support. :)

Restless

This is what one whole month of partying, shopping, feasting and slacking has done to me...I can't sit still.

Am perplexed by the schizophrenic nature of time-was just exclaiming how fast the hols have gone past and voila! it came to a standstill during lectures and refused to budge. I was literally staring at the clock and coaxing it to tick. Profs, like so many things gone budget, appeared short of time and went full throttle into the lessons. None of the small talk, the introductions, the why-are-you-taking-this-course and what-you-hope-out-of-the-course warm-up/kill time activities to ease us into the course.

Things are already starting to pile up, readings and assignments but right now, am in denial. Instead of going to smuconnect to download the materials, I am i) reading blogs ii) furiously chatting on MSN iii) listening to the radio iv) answering a phone call v) writing my blog. Well done! And who said i couldn't multitask:P...

Sometimes

Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time

Not sure if time would really be my antidote....but would you'll (Errata:080105- An overwhelming outpouring of concern has alerted me to the honest mistake. What were you'll thinking of?:p Tsk tsk) just give me more time for now?

The Unattainables....

Missed out on a good buy yet again.

Thought i'll give myself a few days to weigh its worth before getting it, but as the all too familiar story goes- when i finally decided to go back and get it, it wasn't there anymore. Blame it on being indecisive, slow, stubborn, self-centred or not listening to my frens' prompts to get it immediately. The blaming game isn't all that bad, rather, the "you only want something you cannot get" syndrome (OC followers: Season 2 trailer- this quote would come in Season 2 Ep 2)gnaws at me. Whilst i never needed it before, post-announcement that it's not available, it's impression and handiness points shoot up and its presence becomes sorely missed in all areas of my life. Perhaps, when something cannot be attained, the bottomless pit leaves room for imagination to paint the desired scenario; facts, on the other hand, are cold and cast in stone.

Chocolate Love...

Have been showered with lots of chocolates and chocolate delights the past month from many frens and family who have returned from holidays abroad. The present girth can attest to these indulgences. The love and joy of the chocolates have also been extended to beneficiaries like sis and cousins. Thank you all...

The Last Term

The idea of tomorrow being the start of the last term of school is throwing me off-balance somewhat. Many kind working frens, ex- and future colleague, who know too well the harsh realities of work, have taken every opportunity to remind me to treasure the time in school. Having experienced short spells of internship, I can't agree more. What's more to demonstrate this belief than my 'self-bought holiday' -this extra term in sch. The flexibility and freedom of time- to just pop by town for extended lunch-tea-dinner breaks, to be able to combat sales during off peak hours, to defy the meaning of a siesta and take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon-would be hard to relish when work begins ...what with the time sheet to account for every single minute:S. Meantime, remind me I gotta do all of the above to make this term worthwhile:)

That said, at this point of time, am getting a little queasy seeing to those school/course work emails that I have put aside in denial during the month-long season of pigging out...and yes, watch my comeback on MSN:)...It's gonna take some effort getting use to the rhythm of school but well, will try to savour it all...

The Clock Strikes 12...

At the symbolic ticking of the clock, a new yr has begun. One second seemingly no different from the others but yet, as the clock strikes 12-a flurry of movements from subtle to obvious are set in place: the last digit of the year shifts from a 4 to 5 , calendars are replaced, resolutions are set with renewed vows to keep to it . At this moment, I am struck with the feeling of an old self in new clothes. While many things appear to have changed within that one second, how beneath all these visible things- the underlying threads and fibres still remains.

The beginning of the school year has always been the event that provides the meaning of a new year for me- from the last wk of Dec, everything that is done seems to speak or carry the meaning of new-from buying new textbooks, new uniforms, to moving on to a new school, a new class, new teachers and knowing new classmates. And of course, reminders also came from the constant blunders of writing the wrong date(year) on assignments for at least the first two weeks.

Past JC, the significance of a new year has somewhat been reduced with the uni academic year starting in Jul/Aug. Less of trepidation, celebration and anticipation of the new year and what awaits but more of nostalgia, of the desire to cling to the old, tested and tried possessions like tangibles (2004 calendar, diary, kingston bakery:P) to intangibles like family, friendships and even weight...the latter is unclassified.

Whatever it is, here's wishing all a blessed new year -may peace and gd health be with you and your loved ones.

The Eve...

Always preferred the eves of holidays to the holiday itself. Liked friday night better than the weekend; savoured new year's eve more than new year day and the same goes for CNY eve with its loud and noisy countdown. Enjoy soaking in the bustle, anticipation and enthusiasm on the eves, my annual affair of desperate last minute shopping for clothes, the cozy getting together and catching up with old friends and family and the basking in contemplation, brimming expectations and promises into the quiet hours of the night counting down to the festive seasons.

May the year ahead stay likewise...somethings, you pray...would never change.