Not Good Enough

The haze is back again.

And so was the smog that crept into me this week at work.
The past few days were labourious, as i was choked by some hiccups at work.
The feel-disheartened index rose from feeling terribly wronged to feeling inefficient then incompetent.
The inadequacies, nerves and a crushed self-esteem threatened to choke and crush watever gd work i've done in the past
Confidence was crippled, and the mistakes just kept returning to haunt.

I've probably "counselled" people to move on and stop harping on the mistakes of the past but somehow, when faced with the same problen, its a lot tougher to 'forget it','heck',' let go', and move on. So much for the nonchalance etc.

In all honesty, i think ego/pride is the culprit.
The most painful thing about making the mistake is to swallow the pride to concede the mistake was made. And coping with the thought that people's impression of me would take a dip. And to let go of the indignation, and the constant urge to defend myself - that instructions were not clear, i wasn't told what to do etc etc (excuses, excuses and excuses).

It's a humbling experience that I, too was culpable of making those "silly mistakes".
And it showed me how caught up i was in trying to pander to pple's expectations of me- was so blinded and concerned as to what pple ard me would think about me following the incident, instead of seeing where i've gone wrong in the wake of the mistake. Got me thinking as to who is it that I am working for, want to please.

Like the skies that have cleared substantially today, I pray that that the heaviness in my heart would be lifted. The haze may come back someday. But may I build the resilience, grit and strength to pick myself up and bounce back. Let me remember not to let situations like this throw me into disorientation, self-pity, fear, anxiety and self doubt but to ask and rely for help from the One above.


And thank you too, all of you who heaped the encouragement, the jokes to cheer me up and for just being there.
*HUGS*