Come What May

So this is going to be for real....

After all the childhood fantasizing, the teenage yearning and recent intensified enviousness of frens who have trodded down the path; after numerous obstacles and disappointments, encouragement and hope that my time would one day come- the one day appears to be in sight.

Yet, instead of the enthusiasm and excitement, I am increasingly incapacitated by a sense of fear and uncertainty that is usurping me of the trepidation that should be in place. The urge to run away and back out of this solemn promise has beckoned increasingly as a self-protecting defence mechanism activates to remind me of nasty experiences in the past, to subdue my wholehearted devotion of time/effort/love/passion to something/someone, so as to save me reeling from the distraught and disappointment of promises turning sour, of the emptiness and loss that lingers long after.


Certainty - I realise, has evaded my vocabulary in the past year. And I have shirked many a times when responsibility and commitment are needed to be kept and adhered to. Warped by the insecurities of a uncertain future, of something that may crop up which may devastate the whole plan, of feelings that might change and mutate- I have chosen to avoid and recoil into my present world, blinding and scaring myself with the what-ifs and what can happen. Stubbornly refusing to hear the pleas and coaxing of many well-meaning and precious friends and family - I have passed off many opportunites to give matters a try and people a shot, to perservere and work on it... so long as there's a hint of future duty and obligation.


I scream 'out' too easily. Its time I get out of this deluding comfort zone, get over unpleasant past experiences and pick myself up...for if i don't try, how would i ever know? This time, I am not going to give up...


Dear Lord,
Am sorry for my endless doubts, of my faltering faith and for listening to my own voice more than Yours. God, please placate my fears and let me come to terms with these fear so that I'll be able to experience your peace and assurance, that You'll be there with me, come what may.

Thank you Lord for not giving up on me despite the countless times I have done so on You.

Amen

Now and Then...

Then...

Of lofty ambitions and unwavering affirmations.

i) I want to be XXX when I grow up
ii) This is the happiest day in my life. Yeah!
iii) Best friends forever
iv) I can do it
v) Definitely possible
vi) I want it , will get it now.
vii) Come what may
viii) Stay the same always
ix) I'll always love you
x) I promise

Now...

Of cascading doubts and confusion , reserved expressions and non-commital answers

i) I don't know
ii) Not really. Sighz ...
iii) Maybe
iv) Not sure
v) How? Bleah!
vi) Perhaps, later
vii) What if
viii) Should have
ix) I'll try
x) See how it goes

My Exs

I got reacquainted with an ex recently - after a lengthy separation and much reluctance on my part- for fear of being reminded of past disappointments and unsure of how I would react after a rather abrupt spiltting. Only the goal of fund-rasing for Europe pushed me on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first touch was awkward and shaky, and I wanted out- for fear of the hurt, disappointments setting in again. But that restraint was soon melted and familiarity settled in. Memories of our time together- when I was joyous, sad, angry, in grief, misunderstood. The companion who had stood by me through my scherzos, etudes, waltzes, and grave; scaling the heights and enduring the challenges and trials with me, moulding me to be determined, conscientious, tenacious and confident. With and because of you- I have emerged victorious many a times. But all it took was a few setbacks and distractions, practicality and realism to unwind it all, for me to lose confidence in myself and my ability, for the interest to wane and for ties to be severed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's good to be back again- to realise that some feelings don't change no matter how long it has been. Am glad you found me- keep me this time pls?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The festive season the past two weeks was a catching up time with lots of ex-s from the past- friends/classmates/pastimes/hobbies- many of whom/which I haven't met up/kept in touch for eons. Doubt and apprehension clouded my mind before each reaquaintance - what can we talk about? can we still click? how have we all changed?

Thankfully, the worries are uncalled for. It had been a good old ride down memory lane filled with much joy and laughter, peppered here and there with tinges of longing and regret. It's amazing how memories of the time and experiences we shared have not ebb over time but instead developed into a chemistry and understanding that allowed us to pick up from where we have left off so long ago and just continue to connect effortlessly.

Perhaps...I really need distance and breathing space to make the heart fonder.

The Places to Be...

If you had spent yesterday cooped up at home, looping "All by Myself" and mourning loneliness, congratulations for making it through yet another Feb 14. But fret not, in support of the Romancing Singapore campaign, Cranberrymist plays shining knight in armour braving the smooching couples yesterday to bring you the places you can enjoy being at - in solitude- in the heart of town. And who knows? Cupid might just strike you.


1. Hair Salon
Away from the amorous crowd, step into the salon to enjoy a quiet day of relaxing and pampering. Don't worry if you have no appointments. Those with candelight and roses dates would kindly show you their magnanimousness byhaving theirs done up way before Feb 14. Today is your day.

Since there's no one's arms you can throw yourself into, at least have someone put their hands through your hair and work on it. Enjoy the shampoo-ing and even burst of soapy bubbles from the enthusiastic shampoo boy trying to recreate the snow- flake setting in Winter Sonata for your fantasing pleasure. And an even more helpful hairstylist offering himself as a date and wanting to accelerate the whole dating game by telling you what he likes to eat. His attentiveness cannot be faulted with the constant checks that your hearing is still intact and that you have heard/understood what he said while he blows your hair.

Movie tickets sold out? Fret not, you would be fixated and kept entertained the entire time by the agility and skills at which those hairstylists flick their scissors and chop at your tresses- they beat Jackie Chan's gong-fu blockbusters-anytime. Drinks are included by the way.

2. Chinese Restaurant
To avoid the whispers of sweet nothings around you spoil your painstakingly blown and set hair, head down to the basement to have a good chinese meal. On this special day, considerate restauranteurs have taken special pains to escort the sour-faced, disenchanted odd-numbered groups away from the lovey-dovey couples lest you spoil the atmosphere. You can be quite certain you would be escorted pass the long snaking queue to enjoy your hot piping meal , with chirpy Chinese New Year songs in the background no less.

3. Shopping Centres
To round up this wonderful day on a high note, Feb 14 is a time to take a trip down to the branded apparel shops to sieve through their sale items. For the day, your arch competitors are taking a day break from clothes to coo on roses and balloons instead.


For those who still remain unconvinced about these V-day haven, go check out an up-and-coming venue to be ready by V-day next year- the office. Man, that would be soooo fun and romantic.

Love is...

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Happy V-Day to all! May each one of you find meaning and joy on this special day.

The Guide to being a Star

I have come to believe I am a superstar in the making at this time of the year. Where I get lots of exposure and opportunities to hone my skills in dealing with the media in the future. The following are but some excerpts...


1) I am forced to keep in touch and verbalise my vital stats (which i am constantly in denial of) for relatives' and friends' comparative analysis for their kids.

2) As if that is not torturous enough, I am made to stand beside and be dwarfed by the towering kids of today for their proud parents' viewing pleasure. Do kids nowadays all play basketball and drink milk like tap water? And oh, I should have known better that heels are of no use, I have to step into the house.

PS: J- you had it good, all u had to do was to stand beside your sis.

3) After the 'what' and the 'how', comes the painful 'why' and a detailed analysis of exactly which part of the body contributes to the shortness. Huh? Am i suppose to know why? Err...can i take a peek at the contents of the ang pow first before I field the question?

4) Every check of the handphone invites smiling and knowing glances which proceeds into an interrogation session of the all- too- popular boyfriend issue.

5) Lesson learnt: The more I vehemently deny having one, the more the parappazis out there insist that I do, with young kids chipping in with evidence of spotting me at xxx place with aaa/bbb/ccc. A piece of advice to speed out the receipt of that red packet: give a coy smile, in true superstar fashion, I almost wanted to add- we are just good friends.

And young kids : Beware of karma! I was once that inquisitive gal you'll are now...

6) The least you want to appear as when you are star is to be perceived as cocky ( how appropriate for the new year) . Rest assured, with mum around, telling people not to give us angpows until we greet so and so, cockiness would never be the case.

7) Being obliging is key to being welcomed as a star, and that includes taking second, third, fourth and fifth helpings. Being full doesn't exist in the vocabulary of many.

8) Learn to conceal jealousy and envy well- at those who can eat gallons and yet, look ravishing and svelte in that lovely dress spotted but sadly, cant fit into.

Which Radio Station do you Listen To?

Getting a knack out of devising personality test for those quiz maniacs out there:)

Which Radio Station Do You Tune Into?

a) Perfect 10
b) Power 98
c) Class 95
d) Gold 90. 5


a) Perfect 10: Kids hailing from primary to secondary school ,with wide-eyed innocence and curiousity, screaming and dancing their angst away with the pulse throbbing, heart-thumping songs the station spins.

Their all embracing love for mankind, is clearly evident, through the countless song dedications, day in and out, telling everyone to stay young, cool and funky always. Because of them, this world is so much a better place man.

Just a note, kids: Jaded foggies out there are allergic to the word stay young when all they can see with each day is another white hair, crease or wrinkle.

But forgive them, wont you, jaded foggies, for they are all ...

Coz we are so young now, we are so young, so young now
And when tommorow comes, we can do it all again
~So Young (The Corrs)

DUHHHHHH! *Roll eyes*

b) Power 98: Slightly edgier than Perfect 10, its listeners, like the radio station, is at a stage where the desire to Be Different, Just Do It, is particularly strong.

For the late teenagers who are fervently trying to grow up, sound mature, grabbing any opportunities to act adultish - they brim with optimism and hope, believing that the future is in their own hands, and THEY can conquer the world...until...

The blasting of its broadcast across sururban lelong shops give their over-earnestness, and attention seeking ways away.

c) Class 95:Listeners like to think that they, like their namesake, exude class, elegance and poise. Often stumbled upon by the chronic radio channel surfers faced with burgeoning commitments and decisions at the crossroads of life, the station- with its diverse genre of smooth, cruising songs - is a safe, netural haven for them wedged between the wilful and the blissful.

While the melancholic musings, doses of love advice, inspirational/scandalous call-in's from listeners - provides entertainment and learning points for listeners, the soothing playlist do not require much emotional/mental investment when tuning in. Suitable for commitment phobic, escapist adults.

d) Gold 90.5: The songs daddies and mummies grew up swaying to, and reminisce in karaoke rooms up till now. The default radio station in the family car. Young punks out there, dun pretend you can't hum to these classic songs.

What kind of a shopper are you?

What kind of a shopper are you?

(Copyright: created by Cranberrymist. 2005)

1) Shopping is a....
a) Necessity
b) Bane

2) When you decide to go shopping, you
a) Have gone into prior research and have something specific in mind already. You don't want to waste time.
b) Fuzzy or no idea in mind. Just look around and hopefully, blessings would be showered upon you with good buys.

3) When you see something you somewhat fancy, you
a) Grab it and buy it on the spot. Get over and done with shopping!
b) Try it on, look at price. Seek second, third, fourth opinion. Hesitate. Walk around and survey. The same process begins and goes on...and on...and on...

And the results...

a) The determination and resolution you display in shopping extend to your life. A go-getter who proactively discover and find out what/who you want in life, you have a knack for quick and fast decisions and clearly (skillfully pretends to) know what is it you need/want. You listen and value your own judgement and and post-action, whether it truly is a good buy/catch, you psych yourself into liking and standing by your acts and adopt the utmost effort to eradicate any regret that may seep into your mind.
Your mantra: It's My Life

b) Indecisiveness is your greatest bane. You exasperate yourself by having innate high standards and expectations which unfortunately, do not seem to materialise
and translate into objects/clothes/people in the real world. Nothing/No one strikes you as a must have or deserve you lavishing your praise/time/heart to. You want to be open-minded and be exposed to /interact with different ideas/concepts and so you constantly seek opinions from people around you. However, the choices often blow you away leaving you (more) confused than before.

Rather than take something/someone at face value, your liking/fondness of things/people are reserved and requires much time to discover, acquire and cultivate, thus explaining the difficulty for you to grab and go. Instead you adopt a wait-and-see attitude with the belief that better things are awaiting.
Caution: This attitude often wears you thin and mutes your interest in things/ people. By trying to protect yourself from regretting your picks, you are wrenched by missing it/him/her after you decide to pass it by.

Advice: The Voice Within

No prize for guessing which category I belong to:).