Come What May

So this is going to be for real....

After all the childhood fantasizing, the teenage yearning and recent intensified enviousness of frens who have trodded down the path; after numerous obstacles and disappointments, encouragement and hope that my time would one day come- the one day appears to be in sight.

Yet, instead of the enthusiasm and excitement, I am increasingly incapacitated by a sense of fear and uncertainty that is usurping me of the trepidation that should be in place. The urge to run away and back out of this solemn promise has beckoned increasingly as a self-protecting defence mechanism activates to remind me of nasty experiences in the past, to subdue my wholehearted devotion of time/effort/love/passion to something/someone, so as to save me reeling from the distraught and disappointment of promises turning sour, of the emptiness and loss that lingers long after.


Certainty - I realise, has evaded my vocabulary in the past year. And I have shirked many a times when responsibility and commitment are needed to be kept and adhered to. Warped by the insecurities of a uncertain future, of something that may crop up which may devastate the whole plan, of feelings that might change and mutate- I have chosen to avoid and recoil into my present world, blinding and scaring myself with the what-ifs and what can happen. Stubbornly refusing to hear the pleas and coaxing of many well-meaning and precious friends and family - I have passed off many opportunites to give matters a try and people a shot, to perservere and work on it... so long as there's a hint of future duty and obligation.


I scream 'out' too easily. Its time I get out of this deluding comfort zone, get over unpleasant past experiences and pick myself up...for if i don't try, how would i ever know? This time, I am not going to give up...


Dear Lord,
Am sorry for my endless doubts, of my faltering faith and for listening to my own voice more than Yours. God, please placate my fears and let me come to terms with these fear so that I'll be able to experience your peace and assurance, that You'll be there with me, come what may.

Thank you Lord for not giving up on me despite the countless times I have done so on You.

Amen