Face Value

It's funny how:

• We are disturbed when we see funerals, scared to hear news of death, shun the viewing and paying of last respects to the deceased and yet willingly pay to enter the cinema to be haunted by gory episodes of blood splatters and experience the chills and shivers of a stranger-corpse staring and moving towards us.
• Employers always state enthusiasm and course study relevance as important qualities candidates should possess, but yet, pick those that are in totally different fields, and those less earnest/keen ones that require much time and effort to coax before accepting the job.
• We put in so much effort (consciously or subconsciously/whether we admit it or not) to earn praises and compliments of being slim, pretty, smart etc and yet instead of being offended, find/take comfort in frens who tease, ridicule and insult us of being fat, short and stupid.
• We outwardly favour the formidable, dominating team but silently root for and egg the underdogs on.
• We are vehemently fighting to be given personal space at home one moment and patiently queuing up the next at MOS to go into the jammed packed dance rooms.
• We handle work/address issues/manage people/clean up messes competently at work and come back too tired and weary, not knowing how to start clearing the messes in our homes and hearts.
• The criteria that people look out for in their partners/potential partners hardly deviates from i) Must love you, ii)be caring, iii)attentive, iv)sweet- and yet why is it, we are always intrigued by someone with that air of nonchalance, attracted to that arrogance and aloofness, charmed by that streak of rebellion?

The little ironies of life...

Run, Run, Run

Run

1) It was in the very beginning, just to pass the 1.6 km run segment of the NAPFA test

2) Then- it became an early morning bonding session for some of us who reach sch at 615am.
Where, in the midst of doing rounds and rounds around the field, we'll pant, flail, complain, encourage, talk so loud the whole field reasonated with our hearty and unstoppable laughter.

3) In JC, the what- was- till- then, a simple run was given a more sophisticated twist.
Concepts of breathing techniques, pacing, water consumption, conservation of energy were introduced. And for the first time, running's not jus running anymore. It became a competitive affair, a concerted effort of the mind, a test of not only physical, but mental strength. How to shave a few important seconds off the starting, how to not get affected by others to speed up/slow down but to keep your own pace, how to challenge the mind to surpass previous timings. It teaches of practice, preparation, planning and execution.

4) Uni came, and it all became simply, a bid to keep down the girth while keeping up with the ever-increasing opportunities to feast. A reflex action plan against a slowing down metabolic rate and very susceptible waistline. Also, to channel some of the ebullience and energy having jus taken the first step into adulthood and gotten a glimpse of the colourful personalities ,the galore of choices and the illusion that 'the world's at my fingers '. What used to be a run has since become a jog probably in solitude, but it still had its placebo effect:).


Now, I run, more aimlessly, less ambitiously. Sometimes with much purpose like trying to get rid of the stubborn bulge without the need of Uzap, but most of the time there's none of the discipline (ashamedly) anymore.Now, there's no pushing to run an extra round, to better my speed but instead, a mindlessness that I take comfort in- triumphing the inertia, going through the motion, gasping in lots of fresh air after the run and dare i add, running away from the real world into my personal cocoon.


Maybe it's the day of the year. Maybe it's cos of circumstances that I'm in now. Maybe it's the time i've on my hands.

I'm in this sea of nostalgia admist so much flux, uncertainty, volatility and unknown - thats shaking and transforming the familiar routines these day. Very dynamic (nicely put) and very daunting (to be frank). For the turbulence jus seems to keep coming, waves after waves without any pauses overwhelming us and getting us down. And it's like this plague tt never seems to dissipate.

Running has been one of the very few activities that has held constant over the years , something to seek comfort in, especially in face of my fluctuating feelings, moods, and outlook of late where watever positivity, optimism and faith I can garner this moment vanishes/fades the next. Yet, it too has been exposed / worn down by these changes/influences.

I don't want to be stuck in the rut of reminiscing the carefree, cruising days of the old. I hope i won't keep shunning away and being run down by the problems. I need to build up resistance and immunity, and keep my sight on the purpose so as to have the perserverance and courage to run- be it the rat races, duty race or the spiritual marathon - and to win it. For the most precious prize is awaiting me.

Hebrews 12
"1 Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Coming of age?

It used to be, back in pri/sec school that sharing of secrets are a large part of how we make and keep friends.
It's a source of pride- to be a trusted confidant, to know something exclusive.
It's an affirmation of the strength of the friendship, a responsibility that is regarded seriously, so that a secret would really be what it is, a secret.
Much efforts are taken to earn that respect of becoming a confidant.
Maybe it's a petty girl thing but for the 'secret-teller', be prepared to endure cold wars or even lose the friendship if your best fren finds out that you let someone else other than her know the secret first. It's a big no-no to be guilty of misplacing/betraying the trust.

Now, however, there's no longer the coaxing even when sometimes, its evident that friends need a listening ear and are waiting for us to offer some help.
No longer the feeling of honour to be the friend's lifeline of help.
No offense taken when you find out a good fren's secret from someone else.
Only the sense that you don't want to know that much sometimes.
Only the thought that you don't want to be caught in a dilemma/be bogged down and burdened by those dark secrets - as if you don't have enough of your own.
Sadly, sometimes, you rather not know...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It used to be, that when we hear good news/or potential good news, we embraced it with sheer joy. That hope, even if it's jus a shimmer, is fully amplified and stretched - to imagine, bask and dream of what good may happen, what good can happen. We talk about it. We announce it to share the happiness. And jus that gleam of hope can bring so much strength. The spirit is indomitable.

Now, there's no longer that pure joy nor the true belief in hope.
Only the reflex attempts to subdue any sense of hope that tries to lodge itself in the mind.

Whenever hope creeps into the mind, whenever the mind entertains the possibilities ( that the leave maybe approved, that we maybe selected for the job, that a handsome bonus maybe awaiting), we skeptically question if it's for real, wander how long it's going to last, frantically try to swipe out any glimmer of hope and foolishly choose to attend and focus on those unfounded fears and worries.

It's kept hushed up, we keep mum about it cos it may not come true, cos its so embarrassing to have to retract our words, cos it's so awkward and painful to have to explain/ deal with people's reactions/surprise/shock . We rather not say, so that there's no need to have to cope with the expectations of others on top of our own, if these hopes don't materialise in the end

.

Better to be safe than sorry.
For fear that the higher the hopes, the harder the fall.

In the name of being conservative and managing expectations.

To cushion the disappointments, uncertainties, and possible turn and twists in events.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The older we get, the more we are intolerant to a beating in pride, the more we do not express or volunteer concern for friends for fear that it's not reciprocated.

The older we get, the smaller the threshold for failure is, the more we don't harbour hopes or dare to dream for fear of embarrassment and disappointment

To show more concern and love again.

To conjure and believe in hope again.

The armours to combat that balloning pride and fan on that increasingly fragile courage and spirit .

Because, after all- that's what life is, isn't it?

Love, faith and hope.

Apology

Hullo Hunk,

You probably heard me deep in conversation with my fren, oblivious to the surroundings
The voice scaling up with musicality and excitement as I introduced and reviewed each dish
The arms flailing, trying to paint the vivid and sumptious spread of food
How well-versed I was with the discounts that were offered with whichever credit cards at whichever hotel(*BLUSH*)
To arrive at the logical conclusion that I can probably help you out
And tell you how to walk from where we were at Suntec to Ritz Carlton, Millenia

The sincerity in your eyes
That soothing baritone voice
Those handsome features
Made us want to help you so much
So that even though we had no idea where it was- we thought it sounded familiar enough for us to retrieve some recollections of it
To give some kind of murky directions and estimated time of arrival by walking
To earn that profuse thank-yous that followed
And the oh- so- charming and winsome smile of yours
How our eyes followed you even after you walked away
So you wouldn't go in the 'wrong' direction

Sorry hunk, we only realise our mistakes after we snapped out of the trance
That you should turn right instead of left at the junction
And you would need 10 mins at the very least instead of 3 mins we declared
It really wasn't our intention to dupe you
Really

Here's the directions, in case you have to walk from Suntec to your hotel again and no longer trust Singaporean gals.
And while you are there, you can check out one of the best Cantonese cuisine in Singapore
Now, for what are the specialities and discounts you can get at the restaurant, you can always count on me;)

Lovely

I looked at the watch and recognised the time as 6pm
I took in a whiff and was silently triumphant to have guessed the scent correctly
I saw the colours of the sky change and let the first drops of musky rain fall n moisten my parched lips
I answered a call and detected a zest in the voice replacing the dull drone that has been mine for sometime
I walked and found a bounce in my steps
I ate and savoured the succulence of the food as i took time to chew
I hummed and was glad i was back in tune and no longer flat
I smiled and enjoyed a genuine endorphin rush and radiance melt the plastic grim smiles I've been wearing to face the world

However fleeting this feeling may be
I'm in love
All over again
Falling head over heels...

With this life of mine:)

My senses
It's slowly seepin back
Watch this space...