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Its 25 from today.

The cakes have stayed. The number of candles subtly dwindled to just one.
Nice wrappings and ribbons are done away with. Vouchers and practical items comes to reach in envelopes and paper bags.
Noisy parties and big gatherings gone out of the door with small cosy gatherings and dinners taking their place.


Reminded wl yest that it was my bdae today. (Yeah baby, perhaps I will finally throw some caution into the wind and make "bu yao lian" the new me ;)
Blatantly declared my allergy for flowers and asked for extension to think of what I want to have.
Determined to run off e cakes, sugar and calories today to find a heavy downpour spoil my plan this morning.
Want to edit and polish this post but rushing to work cos decided leave will be more worthwhile another day.

So yes, its my birthday but the magic doesn't lie in the day itself. Not in how many presents i received, how many people remembered anymore. It just doesn't thrill so much.

Pragmatism has seeped in. Enthusiasm and excitement has waned somewhat.
But appreciation has grown.
For family and friends who have stayed.
For how honest and comfortable I can be .
Thanks for the still hand-written cards.
Thanks...very simply, for still making me laugh at the old ripe age of 25. Hurhur.

A big thank you for the many SMSes and well wishes i got at 12 mn when I was half asleep.
And for all the cakes and pre and post celebrations.
It warms my heart. Really does.

Way Back In

Hello, it's been a while yet again.
Guess that's what happens when one declares absence or leave. More often than not, one never comes back in form again. Well, at least for me. And my excuse? Bad timing - having waves of inspiration at wrong times and then none at all when I am in front of the computer.

Aniwei, it seems like I am in some identity entanglement of sorts these days.
Just in a week, I've been told:
- That I've gained some weight, then in the next moment, someone else exclaimed that I have lost quite a bit of weight
- I am too fussy and picky and then advised not to be so nice and let things go so easily without a fight
- That I'm so sensible then asked the next why I can be so cowardly and restrained, to chose not to find out
- I am friendly and forthcoming and then that I am so passive, then pleaded, to open up and share what the problem is
- I am realistic and mature and in the same breath, pessimistic and jaded

Quarter-life crisis? Probably, i can feel it inching by more acutely than any birthdays before.
As a child I took much value in listening to myself and trusting my own opinions.
Then as a teenager, I swung the balance to put the weights on the judgement of friends/strangers/ people with authority.

Now...
Perhaps there is where the dilemma lies.
Whose opinions are true? Who is being honest, who is not? (P/S: Drop me a comment/ email and let me know what you think:P )
Cos now, unlike before, there is the realisation that everything's grey and subjective.
What works for one may not work for the other and at the end of the day, there's only so much that you can tell, that people can advise you, and that you, bear the consequences - good or bad for the decisions you've taken.

The 'It' word of our time- balance.
It's time for me to move back to the centre of the scale. To move my way back in.
To throw out all the skeletons out, to confront all the fears, insecurities, confusion.
I so need faith.