Cranberry Mist's Cove

Timecheck

2009-04-19T07:17:00.001+08:00

When...

- Countergirls take only one glance to recommend 'age-defying' and 'anti-ageing' skincare series
- Professing to following a certain hugely popular series on 17 yr olds raised quite a few eyebrows
- Serum are replaced by concentrates as warfare regime against lines and wrinkles
- The volume of wedding invites surpasses the birthday parties
- Insurance agents advise topping up health premiums

Yes,its birthday time once again.

There are things which I still havent mastered after 27 birthdays.
Like what to do when the birthday song is sung, of whether i can blow off the candles all at once, of what to wish for despite knowing (with 27 yrs of experience) that most likely time it wont come true.
But above all to show how thankful I actually am, to still have so many family and friends who bother to organise and celebrate it with me- even if I've never initiated my own bdae celebrations finding it too bothersome, even though we are yawning away after a long day at work,even when I have reiterated that I don't want one.

Thanks for remembering and also for the smses traditional or innovative(yeah esp that trailer one:P), well wishes whether early,on time or belated, candles be it 1, 27 or 30.

Yeah,even if it was an upward rounding of age - I appreciated it.
Gracious ain't I?
It comes with age;)

Sweet Reunion

2009-01-26T07:20:00.005+08:00

I have never been a fan of CNY - never followed traditions like staying past 12MN,visiting the festive market, getting new clothes/a fresh hairdo especially for the occassion. There were even years where I contemplated getting away for CNY, or envied the other races for having a long hols without any obligations or the 'silly' last minute rush.

And so, I caught myself by surprise when I succumbed to the mad frenzy, paid a huge premium, and flew bck home for CNY. Humbling in a way cos I would have scorned, a yr bck, of how faddish it seems- e rush,anxiety of getting tickets, pple in SG wanting to fly bck to HK, fr SHG to SIN, TW - SIN, SIN- TW, HK- KL, KL -SIN etc etc - despite the recession, despite celebrations being much grander say in HK/China, despite the same CNY songs being played everywhere.

But the exhilaration on all the faces speaks of the anticipation - be it for the weather/ mahjong/food/company -of experiencing CNY the way each of us have known it to be. I love the ST special report on CNY reuinon dinners of different dialects this yr. Perhaps, this unconsciously is how we all uphold these tradition.

Well, I still din manage to hold up past 12MN ( its the age!)but this CNY holds much more significance having been away from home. Being in the company of family& friends, having steamboat cum suana, trying to curb the intake (without much success)of the pineapple tarts/kueh lapis gulped down - all these have been particularly sweet (will deal with the weight gain later).

So Happy New Year one and all. Bask in the festive air and the truly multicultural array of CNY goodies.

So this is Christmas, and what have you done?

2008-12-24T08:40:00.008+08:00

There's nothing more enjoyable than to hear the medleys of Christmas carols in the malls, supermarkets and even while on hold on the phone. Something about them, whether bouncy, upbeat, melancholic or sentimental have this balming property that calms,uplifts and puts me right in the mood of Christmas - probably deserving the credit being one of the precious things that have accompanied me - heard/sung/played every Christmas for the last 26 years wherever it is and whatever it was I was doing.

And as reflections go into full swing in the last month of the year of what's done/undone, what's gained and lost - this is perhaps one of those Christmases that have been more special than others.Being abroad and coming home for Xmas has accentuated certain feelings, with a deeper sense of appreciation,a heightened awareness and sensitivity of own, relationships and places.

That said, I've been experiencing quite a bit of mixed emotions lately. Increasingly, I've acquired this knack of viewing matters in a whole spill of colours, no longer just black/white but lots of grey - so while there's joy, there's also a malaise of regret, pensiveness etc. Nothing wrong about that but i do miss feeling the headiness or even rashness of feeling absolutely certain and strongheaded about things.

Okay, I realised its youth I am hankering after which is clearly not very much on my side now.

Anw,one of my favourite scenes from Love Actually tells it quite nicely.
Merry Christmas dear all- wherever you are and however you are celebrating it.

Back Home

2008-12-17T10:38:00.007+08:00

Yup- the eggtarts are really as delicious as touted. Whether the shortcrust or the puff pastry kind, both have radiant yellow egg custard centres made with such consistency as to glide down smoothly in the mouth with that burst of buttery flavour from the crust.

Same too for the dim sum, esp the har gow , char siew pau, siew mai- the only terms I know/picked up in Cantonese with ease. Delicate portions each crafted with intricate folds sealing in the soupy/ savoury/ sweet fillings and flavours such that each mouthful is a pleasant surprise.

But nothing beats...

- Having for breakfast Gardenia raisin bread, Ya Kun's kaya toast and flipping through the papers, mildy amused by the "It's all doom and groom" column in Sunday Times.
- Stepping out of the house assuredly without having to know about the weather or piling on the moisturisers for the chapped hands and feet.
- Buying chicken rice and hokkien prawn mee from the hawker centre with ease without having to resort to gesticulating and accepting watever is being dished out for me.
- Taking public transport without worrying about not getting to the destination due to miscommunication

So yup, excuse me for not blogging/ or being MIA.
Let me soak in this effortless living for a few more days as I catch up with all the food reviews in the past issues of ST pls:)

Stay the same

2008-10-25T00:30:00.005+08:00

Personally, I adhere to the - if it's aint broken, don't fix it theory - at the risk of sounding boring and belying the constant improvement and changes that are so endorsed in the real/working world.

Never been one big on adventure, discovery or stepping out of comfort zone- once I developed a liking /familiarity for something/someone , I would gladly stick to it faithfully- be it authors, clothes,shoe labels, food or friends.

Back in primary/ secondary school when I was still quite an ardent fan of reading - there will be such elation when upon liking a first book , know that the author has many other books in his/her name. So no points for guessing who my first favourite author was - it gotta be Enid Blyton, what with her sheer volume of books/series. Then i lapped up Babysitter's club. A lil older I was enthralled by Jeffrey Archer, Agatha Christie, Magaret Atwood all with at least 5titles under their belts. It went to the point where I would read a book only if I see that there were many other books under the author's name. Either that or if they came recommended by friends/ papers or if they won some kind of awards. Same for songs. Mariah Carey, Celine Dion and even Britney Spears. Luther Vandross , Damien Rice and lately Jason Mraz. So it was disappointing that Daniel Powter's Bad Day was a one song wonder.

This applies for food or shoes or even toiletries.

I guess while discovering how good/nice something/someone is may be exciting and rewarding,high returns come with high risk -what with the efforts , thoughts invested in organic nurturing of interest/chemistry etc and that is not what I think I am willing /capable to invest or have the energy/time for.

Trying a new brand and not knowing how it would react/the side-effects/ the chance of disliking it /wasting time and most of all it/ he/she falling short of expectations and disappointment are hard to bear.

So the irony is that it's staring at me in the face right now in this foreign place- of trial and error,finding out new stuff, and most of all , building up relationships with new friends. While people have coax or try to convince me that I would change personality/ taste/have whole new circle of frens etc,I don't think I would honestly.
I think I am rusty ,too old for it and grudging. ...but well we'll see. Hopefully there will be one or two pleasant surprises along the way.

Anw - here's my current fave song from Jason Mraz which started with Pls Don't Tell Her--> I'm Yours and now this amongst others.

Taken for granted

2008-10-05T23:43:00.003+08:00

Taking for granted- as cliche as it sounds, as much as I thought i haven't been -
i'm guilty as charged.

Anticipated/forseeable apprehension aside , its been mind boggling/ eye -opening/learning/ overwhelming to discover that:

- Opening the gates and finding where the catchets /locks are require more skills and strength than just a quick insertion of key- turn and push that was all i ever knew back at home
- Rinsing the mouth once I switched on the tap may not be the safest thing to do what with the dirty/grimy brownish water that flowed through for a good part of a minute.
-Wanton mee does not come with char siew nor vegetables - no fusion here
- Can't tell who's walking down the corridor as the peephole at the door is too high and there's no chairs to climb on to peer
- ATM keypads starts with 7-9 on the top instead of the bottom row
- Something needs to be bought before one can exit supermarket. There's not way to get out except through the cashier.

It's really in the smallest details that makes one familiar/comfortable in a place/environment most of which one is not even conscious of...I guess there's no way else i could have appreciated it till now

26

2008-04-19T09:51:00.004+08:00

Age is surely catching up.

It took me six attempts to recall the password for entering blogger
Another day to remember the title of a song I used to be so familiar with
A few hours after gasping about a huge age gap with a 31 yr old to realise, its only a 5 year gap and not some 10/11 yrs that I had imagined
10 mins after waking up, and numerous well-wishing smses later for me to register that today's my birthday

And okay *confession* - I fraudently (nevertheless, happily) blew off only 25 candles on a cake. Hurhur.

While older may spell increasing cynicism, watering down of emotions & more pedestrain relationships with people, still -its heartwarming to get the smses that's been streaming in fr 12mn sharp, the celebrations & well wishes - from family/frens/colleagues I meet almost everyday, people I havent met for ages & frens fr abroad.

Thanks for all the well-wishes:)

My Sister's Keeper

2008-02-26T09:24:00.013+08:00

Since Jodi Picoult is apparently teenagers' favourite author nowadays, I assumed this would be one light, chick-flick of a novel. My bad. For stereotyping along the lines of melodramatic romance novels (think Danielle Steel ) of my time a good 10 yrs ago .

Taste and preference I must say have changed quite a bit if this book was a judge.

Jodi Picoult's observations and deft protrayal of people and life : From relationships in the family- the immense love, joy yet obligations, selfishness, thorns and conflicts to how nurses are the caregivers rather than doctors who "fidget as if they need to be somewhere else" - are empty of stereotypes and refreshingly realistic.

Fleeced out poignantly are feelings that one tries hard to deny, embarrassed to face - that a sister's death, "may be the worst and yet the best thing that happens " for the protagonist Anna who took her parents to court so as not to donate her kidney to her sick sister Kate.

"If you don't get sick, you don't get well", that " (A relapse) is definitely coming back cos I have to pay for the good times now "claimed Kate during a period of remission accurately tells of how figments of senseless fears & "Murphy" laws haunts, however rational a person may be.

While many critics deemed the ending as unsatisfactory and far too neat, it worked for me. Life is always full of ironies and vagaries anyway, isn't it?

All in all, a moving novel to kill time, get in touch with one's emotions, think and reflect a little on those moments of truth and induce some tears ( which I needed to by doctor's endorsement anyway:P). More of that in a next post - if any. Ha.

2007 Wrap Up

2008-01-01T00:44:00.000+08:00

Yet another year just about over and it's springcleaning time once again.

Another 365 days worth of lessons to be learnt, feelings and actions to be reflected upon, memories to be stashed away - all for a fresh, and hopefully, better next year.

Have learnt that the most effective way to springclean (assuming space constraint) is to be ruthless so as to throw things out.This, I can proudly declare- I've mastered over the last few years. Take a moment more to flip through the set of notes, try on a forgotten blouse and hesitance set in. Note the key word here is need, not want, now (a forseeable timeframe) not faraway future.

Take it to a more metophorical level, however, and the above described springcleaning prowess is sorely lacking. Notions, sentiments,relationships, recollections - who/which to erase, delete or relinquish and clear out.

At this stage (and perhaps, age) most often than not, it is not about knowing what is right or wrong -that, usually is the simplest step. Between intention and action though is the big big gap. The attractive allure of familiarity, chemistry, attachment, achievement to things, people and emotions make it so hard to let go and so much easier to cling on, to bask in past glories, relish and reminisce memories. Emotional 'shortcuts' - to have and to hold, be it an object, a status, a person, a common understanding, a shared experience - are convenient and thus tempting , saving the need to explain from the beginning, start from scratch or restarting from square one.

And good values like treasuring stuff and resilience can morph insidiously to become pride, stubborness, and fear that hold one hostage. Expecting results or reciprocity of some kind after investing and devoting so much time, emotions and efforts, then refusing to give up cos it is a sign of weakness and all through, plagued by the fear of being unable to cope going from rich to poor, having all to having none. Isn't it so foolish to give up after coming so far, so painful to forget, so difficult to handle - the hoardings taunt.

Addiction- aplenty in today's society.
Addiction to food, alcohol, play and lifestyle.
Addiction to praise, recognition and achievement.
Addiction to habit and comfort, melancholy and pain.
Addiction to love.
Addictions that I've fallen prey to consciously and unconsciously, time and again in this year.

God gives where he finds empty hands - St. Augustine

This year, I've
Submitted with one hand clenched with hoardings.
Submitting with empty hands then withdrawing both hands.
Submitting with empty hands but heavy hearts full with lingering doubts and regrets.
Submitting with empty hands plus a proposal and a bargain to keep some of the hoardings.

Learning to wholly and willingly let go and surrendering.
Teach me Lord in this coming year.

Happy New Year all and any tips/insights would be much appreciated:)

Just Dance

2007-12-26T06:41:00.001+08:00

Finally had the time to do some leisure reading this Christmas, amongst them, Haruki Murakami's Dance Dance Dance. This, contrary to widely acclaimed Norwegian Woods, garnered quite a number of bad reviews and bestfren knowing how abhorred I was by his overgenerous (I feel) sex scenes of the protagonist with just about every character in the book, has also taken pains to warn me of how warped this book is.

So I was pleasantly surprised that I actually enjoyed the book.
Perhaps because expectations were lowered. Partly, due to the sheer enjoyment of reading at my own time and pace, without the need to study/regurgitate/memorise the content. A fiction book nonetheless! Recapturing the joys of savouring each flip through the crisp pages, the mild sadness nearing the end of the book. Lovely:)

This time round, I suspect I've also become more acceptable of the incredulity of how he strings his plot/characters together. Was able to overlook that to appreciate his deep burrowing into the characters and sensitive nuanced portrayal of his characters. Stripped of the public sheen, glamour that we are so used to and familiar with. No in your face descriptions, no extreme emotions, just lots of sussing out of quirks, flaws, skeletons, convolutions and tricks of the mind and /or the heart that paints a far more realistic and surreal picture. (Guess credit should also go to translator Alfred Birnbaum for that)

"You gotta dance. Dance. As long as the music plays."
- Excerpt from Haruki Murakami, Dance, Dance,Dance

Takeaway from the book - no illusions. It's back to the grind of work real soon. Yelps!

Rush, rush, rush

2007-12-23T01:23:00.000+08:00

The eleventh hour rush
3 days before Christmas
10 days before a new year

It's the time of the year where all around, people are rushing,

For the last train, last bus or booked cab
Zipping from the office to the shopping malls
Dashing to the supermarket en route home
Grabbing Christmas presents and stocking up on festive goodies
Clearing up work and attempting to hit quotas before the start of the Xmas hols
Getting a new dress for the party , a spanking new haircut to kickstart the new year
Running errands and squeezing in catchup time with friends and family
Bulldozing this year's accumulation to make room for yet another year's mess
Giving one last shot to get items on the 07 resolution list checked
Feeling the urgency to reflect, summarise and record one's own take of the months that have whizzed past

The rush to complete performance reviews and achievement setting.
A new diary calendar for old dates and past memories

Some wishes - be it personal or professional, extrospective or introspective - never change.
Like hoping to end well (2007) and start fresh (2008).

Have a blessed Christmas, one and all - in each of your own special ways!

What matters...

2007-11-12T23:21:00.001+08:00

Why is it that,

I can smile at others but frown at you
I can overlook the faults of others but nitpick on your shortcomings
I gush with praises of others but stinge on good words abt you

The same reason why
I don't listen to others but listen to you
I don't bother about their absence but acutely feel yours
I don't shed a tear for others but cry for you
I may not remember what others do but analyse and reminisce every single moment shared with you

Suppressing the desire to articulate hopes in case it gets jinxed
Fighting expectations and feelings in case its just a dream

Your every action lend so much weight
Your every word causes me to be seiged

Why do I care so much?
Cos you matter...
More than I will ever admit
More than I will ever concede

True to Heart

2007-09-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

It used to be that:
- like it or hate it, a durian is defined by its full bodied pungent smell.
- Mooncakes are all double yolked with lotus seed fillings

Now comes,
The odourless durians
The sugarless, salted yolk substituted mooncakes.
New fillings - from healthy yoghurt and strawberries to decadent bird nest creme brulee and chocolate champagne truffles.

There used to be more of:
- I like X, I don't like XX
- I want Y , I don't want YY

Now, increasingly, it becomes :
- I don't mind XX
- I will try YY

Where personal judgement, preferences and opinions gets watered down, silenced and suppressed in a quest not to offend but to please others especially of supposed authority, seniority and success.
In a bid to fit those very hyped and 'in' jargons of today -being able to multitask, flex, stretch and adapt.

Definitely necessary and part and parcel of living a life that encompasses more than just oneself.
When, however, is it too much?

When trying to please and cater to a larger/mass audience means compromising one's own inclinations, and views.
When it insidiously takes a toil and causes someone/something to lose character and uniqueness- like the pungent smell of the durian, like the fiestiness of a person - be it gd or bad, welcomed or unwelcomed.

Staying true - the toughest act to follow...

You are there

2007-08-13T01:26:00.000+08:00

Lord,

When plans get thwarted, promises are broken

When frens disappoint, when I recoil

When pple get ugly, when I too turn ugly

When i forget and despair

When all else fails...

Thanks for picking me up and carrying me through the sand & the storm. Not just once. But each and every time.

Revisitations

2007-07-30T06:14:00.000+08:00

Revisitations-

It's done day in and out, whether one is conscious of it or not.

Some, given their regular frequencies, become habits and routine. Others get dropped along the way, or are overwritten by more imminent/recent moments - in the mind's very limited memory space.

While they may be relegated to a small section and archived away, its amazing how much emotions revisiting those moments can evoke - of surprise, nostalgia, disappointment , regret amongst many others.

That section in the supermarket, where one could take a shortcut to the exit by squeezing through the narrow alleyway
That bowl of beef noodles whose tepid soup, tough beef slices and bland chili paled terribly with what used to be served
That song from a while back, whose lyrics still came back to you, assaults the senses and floods you with the nuances and flashbacks
That fren, all the easy teasing and crappy jokes, that chemistry that makes one ruminate and wander of possibilities.Another fren, all conversations strained, with nothing much left to talk about, whom you seems to share nothing in common anymore.
Some of which made me remember why they have occupied such a big portion of my heart and mind at a certain point in the past, some made me try hard to grasp and reason, why it was ever important in my life.Some deja vu, some totally distanced and severed from my current life.

Yesterday: Shaped, blended in , rehashed - by time, perspectives, people, experiences.

Tomorrow: I pray that I would let God take the steering wheel without me trying to put my hands on the brakes.

Wait

2007-06-03T22:18:00.000+08:00

Slow...
Associated with snails and turtles
The inferior half compared to 'quick'
Regarded with disdain

We all strive to be fast - consciously or unconsciously. Because that equates efficiency.
Definitely one of the hallmark of a gd student/employee/watever role you play in life.

Fast learner, quick worker, better appraisal, faster results.
Slimming pills boast of immediate results, match-making clubs cite their quick hit-offs and success rates, express lanes assure that you would be out of the queues and jams.

And insidiously, these notions seep and morph into our ways and actions-
That one cannot afford to wait and shouldn't be made to wait .
Whether its for the lift, for a decision, for a person, for goals and things in life.

Human resource experts tell us that judgement of another person are made within 12 seconds.
I say we do even 'better' and cut down judgement time to 5 secs. After which , most of the time, the person's written off and we go back to our known circle of acquaintances.
We tsk when we are made to hold on the phone or wait for an answer.
We lament, switch course or give up when things don't go as anticipated.

It's time to slow down a little. Maybe hold on a little longer, cultivate a bit more patience and humility.

Just like the double boiled soup I had today- the essence comes only with the hours of brewing and simmering .

(Photo extracted from http://www.streetdirectory.com/restaurants/singapore/reviews/images_list-Space__My_Humble_House-1000000126.php)

Definitely worth the wait:)

Older

2007-04-19T06:27:00.000+08:00

Its 25 from today.

The cakes have stayed. The number of candles subtly dwindled to just one.
Nice wrappings and ribbons are done away with. Vouchers and practical items comes to reach in envelopes and paper bags.
Noisy parties and big gatherings gone out of the door with small cosy gatherings and dinners taking their place.

Reminded wl yest that it was my bdae today. (Yeah baby, perhaps I will finally throw some caution into the wind and make "bu yao lian" the new me ;)
Blatantly declared my allergy for flowers and asked for extension to think of what I want to have.
Determined to run off e cakes, sugar and calories today to find a heavy downpour spoil my plan this morning.
Want to edit and polish this post but rushing to work cos decided leave will be more worthwhile another day.

So yes, its my birthday but the magic doesn't lie in the day itself. Not in how many presents i received, how many people remembered anymore. It just doesn't thrill so much.

Pragmatism has seeped in. Enthusiasm and excitement has waned somewhat.
But appreciation has grown.
For family and friends who have stayed.
For how honest and comfortable I can be .
Thanks for the still hand-written cards.
Thanks...very simply, for still making me laugh at the old ripe age of 25. Hurhur.

A big thank you for the many SMSes and well wishes i got at 12 mn when I was half asleep.
And for all the cakes and pre and post celebrations.
It warms my heart. Really does.

Way Back In

2007-04-01T22:35:00.000+08:00

Hello, it's been a while yet again.
Guess that's what happens when one declares absence or leave. More often than not, one never comes back in form again. Well, at least for me. And my excuse? Bad timing - having waves of inspiration at wrong times and then none at all when I am in front of the computer.

Aniwei, it seems like I am in some identity entanglement of sorts these days.
Just in a week, I've been told:
- That I've gained some weight, then in the next moment, someone else exclaimed that I have lost quite a bit of weight
- I am too fussy and picky and then advised not to be so nice and let things go so easily without a fight
- That I'm so sensible then asked the next why I can be so cowardly and restrained, to chose not to find out
- I am friendly and forthcoming and then that I am so passive, then pleaded, to open up and share what the problem is
- I am realistic and mature and in the same breath, pessimistic and jaded

Quarter-life crisis? Probably, i can feel it inching by more acutely than any birthdays before.
As a child I took much value in listening to myself and trusting my own opinions.
Then as a teenager, I swung the balance to put the weights on the judgement of friends/strangers/ people with authority.

Now...
Perhaps there is where the dilemma lies.
Whose opinions are true? Who is being honest, who is not? (P/S: Drop me a comment/ email and let me know what you think:P )
Cos now, unlike before, there is the realisation that everything's grey and subjective.
What works for one may not work for the other and at the end of the day, there's only so much that you can tell, that people can advise you, and that you, bear the consequences - good or bad for the decisions you've taken.

The 'It' word of our time- balance.
It's time for me to move back to the centre of the scale. To move my way back in.
To throw out all the skeletons out, to confront all the fears, insecurities, confusion.
I so need faith.

Second chance

2007-02-25T07:48:00.000+08:00

Ngoh Hiang - Deep fried meat roll wrapped in beancurd skin.
A must-have for some during Chinese New Year.

(Photo extracted from Stomp)

It was one dish that I gave a miss time and again over the years.
Because of the mesh of ingredients I couldn't quite decipher when I was a kid
Then it was due to the disdain- of the grease and fatty chunks of meat it contained, when I was a calorie-conscious teenager
So it was with much surprise that I actually enjoyed having it this year.
The blend of minced pork meat, chunks of prawn, bits of chestnuts each packing its texture and taste into the bite-sized roll to give that burst of flavour as it enters the mouth.

Perhaps, certain appreciation and enlightenment - be it for food, clothes, people or tradition are only embraced in time, with age,perspective and experience. No point rushing to capture the delight, no use trying to accelerate the learning curve to skip the painful parts.

And who else, but the family who would give that second, third or countless chances?
To try the ngoh hiang in this case even though kind offers were met with rejections year after year?
To still nag and warn although prior heartfelt advice kept going unheeded.
To still trust though previous promises were thwarted.
To still have the faith , though there were much disappointment, sadness, anger and unreciprocity through the years.

Besides family and old friends, how many more pple, say at the workplace, are willing/can afford to give much leeway, that numerous chances after mistakes are made?

Though this came a little late, have a good Chinese New Year, whether you are home or away.

"For where your treasure is, your heart will be also" - Matthews 6:21

When Girl Meets Boy...

2006-12-31T01:40:00.000+08:00

He...

Who showers her with attention, gives her the upper-hand, lets her think she's winning;
the same he, for whom she unconsciously compromises her values, willingly swallows her pride, voluntarily concedes to
Who thaws her iciness and melts her aloofness to enjoy memorable times together, then jolts awake her sensibilities to know that better times ahead must be spent apart
Whom she tries graciously to give up and let go, while knowing she will continue to struggle to arrest those desires to selfishly hold him back for a long time to come

He...
Who brings down the walls and pries open her heart she so closely guards
Who lets her love and feel too much despite all her standards defied
Who causes the once surefooted her to attempt bail-outs filled with doubts
Who makes her so happy then so sad
Who gives her so much to remember she knows she ought to forget

Girls... and their stories, 2006.

There's Something About Christmas ...

2006-12-23T01:55:00.000+08:00

There's something about Christmas,

Which makes us...

- A little more optimistic and hopeful, enthusiastic about better and brighter days ahead
- Nostalgic and sentimental, reminiscing and yearning for the good old days of the past

- Gregarious, fun- loving and loud, wanting to be part of the most exciting countdowns and parties, to welcome this festive season in the hippiest fashion
- Introspective and subdued-wanting this time to seek solitude, solace and peace from within. To take time out of the mindless busyness , to relax and reflect alone, far away from the crowds

- Eager to do something refreshing, mingle and make new frens, indulge in fresh company
- Hankering for the familiar, embracing the quiet comfort and company of family and friends closest to us

- Feel loved and appreciated, surrounded by family and frens
- Feel especially lonely, missing the people who cant be here/no longer here to share in the joys of this day with us

And all these emotions, thoughts and actions are evoked and felt, intermingled, all together, all at once - particularly strongly during this season called Christmas.

The power and magic of Christmas,
That makes a surly and serious man unconsciously hum along and whistle with the tuneful carols in the shopping mall
That makes one put those inhibitions and mind games aside to initiate greetings and well-wishes to frens and pple that's been neglected/lost contact over the year

When I was young, I haboured many notions of Christmas from the books read, movies watched and carols sung. There were the classic white christmases, with holly-shaped snow flakes and frosted glass panes, turkey and logcakes and of course the fireplaces where all would gather for warmth and bonding. Then there were the tropical ones on sandy beaches where gentle waves lapped, where warm sunshine and tuneful carols brought much cheer. And of course , the years of experimenting and testing - if those Christmas wishes really did/wld come true ?

Through the years , some wishes have come true , others have not.
Some christmases were particularly memorable. Some christmases, i can't recall.
Some christmases wrapped up fruitful and eventful years. Others ended unsmooth or rocky years.

How would this Christmas turn out for you? With the coming of age? With changing of roles played in life?

No matter how you choose to spend it,
May it be a special one. Blessed with His abundant and overflowing love and presence warming and anchoring in the depths of your heart.

Merry Xmas!

A person's worth

2006-11-26T22:24:00.000+08:00

Proof.
It's been schooled and ingrained in us - to substantiate our actions, to back up our words.

A person's credibility , a person's worth - all build up from evidence in the form of results, achievements, appraisals.

A small dose of it maybe motivating and inspiring-
For vindication- to prove someone who has put you down, wrong
For that boost of confidence- that you can actually do it, and do it well.

But not when, insidiously, proving becomes a reflex, that we rely, assess and perceive our own worth from ...

So much so that...
We cannot get over how clumsy we are, just cos we tripped on the way up the stage
We deem ourselves incompetent, cos we were slow in getting something done, and making mistakes
We are boring and unhappening, just cos we prefer to stay at home over the weekend rather than go clubbing and drinking
We dun sign up for marathons cos we are overly concerned that we would come in last and be an embarrassment

It's a thin line, and it may seems like a defensive stance that reeks of someone who is unmotivated & uninitiated or simply can't be bothered.

But just what are we trying to prove? Who are we trying to please?

Assumptions

2006-11-05T22:00:00.000+08:00

People who are fat eat a lot
Working late shows one's dilligence and commitment to work
Teachers are all prim and proper
Snaking queues mean food must be fantastic

Assumptions that leap to and plant themselves in the mind
Faster than a snap of the finger
That seems so handy in this world of instant solutions - of 'elevator pitches' , snapshots, executive summaries
We jump in and adopt them and then pride ourselves that we've reached out to yet another person, got to know someone better...but really, how much do we truly understand of someone else?

This is not a want- to- change- the world post, and i must admit that , sometimes, i don't even want to invest that time /energy to understanding someone better.

But pls stop assuming that just because

I smile and laugh with you, i am always cheery, good and fine and i like you
I go to uberburger, i tried the $101 burger
I have an appointment after dinner, must be with a boyfriend

...

>, <, =

2006-10-21T01:55:00.000+08:00

Fill in the blanks with “greater than”, “less than” or “equals to”

One of the first things we were made to learn in primary school.
Comparison.

Probably the most successful concepts taught-
Considering how extensively we apply it and how pervasive its impact.

Why is it I get paid < but work longer hours?
How come she can eat so much > me but still be so much slimmer < me?
You should find someone who loves you > you love him/her
He/she contributes < us, but we all get = grades.
He/she stood me up > i ever stood him/her up.
Why should I always be the one to have to initiate conversations, smses , arrange meet ups?
I've given in to him/her much > times than he/she has ever given in to me.
In wat way is he/she better than me? Why is it he/she get better deals than me ?

And what follows are exclamations of unfairness.
Where one entertains the feelings of miserableness and patheticalness

Enviousness, jealousy, frustration , anger builds up
Self-pity ensues.

Makes one wish one din excel so much in doing those maths questions back then, doesnt it?
But do yourself a favour, take another leaf from one of the most widely used principles in science, maths , econs and even ethics.

That equilibrium in some form or another would be/ has to be reached/attained at some time or another.
Everyone gets their fair shares of ups and downs, happiness and heartbreaks, achievements and failures.
Everything in its time.
Really.

Not Good Enough

2006-10-09T00:26:00.000+08:00

The haze is back again.

And so was the smog that crept into me this week at work.
The past few days were labourious, as i was choked by some hiccups at work.
The feel-disheartened index rose from feeling terribly wronged to feeling inefficient then incompetent.
The inadequacies, nerves and a crushed self-esteem threatened to choke and crush watever gd work i've done in the past
Confidence was crippled, and the mistakes just kept returning to haunt.

I've probably "counselled" people to move on and stop harping on the mistakes of the past but somehow, when faced with the same problen, its a lot tougher to 'forget it','heck',' let go', and move on. So much for the nonchalance etc.

In all honesty, i think ego/pride is the culprit.
The most painful thing about making the mistake is to swallow the pride to concede the mistake was made. And coping with the thought that people's impression of me would take a dip. And to let go of the indignation, and the constant urge to defend myself - that instructions were not clear, i wasn't told what to do etc etc (excuses, excuses and excuses).

It's a humbling experience that I, too was culpable of making those "silly mistakes".
And it showed me how caught up i was in trying to pander to pple's expectations of me- was so blinded and concerned as to what pple ard me would think about me following the incident, instead of seeing where i've gone wrong in the wake of the mistake. Got me thinking as to who is it that I am working for, want to please.

Like the skies that have cleared substantially today, I pray that that the heaviness in my heart would be lifted. The haze may come back someday. But may I build the resilience, grit and strength to pick myself up and bounce back. Let me remember not to let situations like this throw me into disorientation, self-pity, fear, anxiety and self doubt but to ask and rely for help from the One above.

And thank you too, all of you who heaped the encouragement, the jokes to cheer me up and for just being there.
*HUGS*

Anniversary

2006-09-24T00:56:00.000+08:00

It's been a year at work, we realised over dinner. And it only came as an afterthought. With none of the fanfare or celebrations when we first joined the workforce.

A year since we stepped in with wide-eyed wonder and anticipation.
With those hopes, ambitions, curiousity and energy.
Meticulously coordinated outfit and accessories.
That crease-free jacket. Matching skirts/ties/shoes.
That positiveness- all fired up to impress and please.
That zest to learn.
That willigness to stay late, to skip lunch to help out, to share the load.

One year down the road and we've all learnt:

- To pack up within the shortest time and leave discreetly when there's an opportunity to. Talk about efficiency:P

- To dine/shop/party in that 'office wear'- Either i) being completely at ease with the stiff collars and heels and/or ii) gradually incorporating more and more casual clothes and sandals into the corporate wear wardrobe

- Prioritise what tasks are truly urgent and those non-urgent 'urgent' deadlines that can actually wait.

- Making mistakes, being misunderstood, being wedged in the middle of two opposing sides, being put in a spot are all part and parcel of work.
The key to doing well in the long run is not to take these issues (accusations/reprimands) too personally, learn &remember them but don't forget to move on.

- To struggle, fend and fight for survival in the corporate jungle- many times, alone. Being at the receiving end of tai-chi, then learning kung-fu and karate as defense.

- Developing a hide thick enough so as not to be excessively sensitive about the efforts that go unappreciated and curtness and impatience of supervisors. Learning to be more assertive, less sympathetic and obliging. Saying no to the requests beyond our means.

- Accept that many factors are beyond one's control and not allow these hindrances/hiccups/obstacles to overwhelm and cause outburst of tears, anxiety at work, stress and sleepless nights after work and burning out way before time.

Afterall, work is just work...

All kinds of terms have been used to describe work.
It's called getting wiser. Getting jaded. Getting more experienced. Getting caught in the work grind.

But well, as with everything, there are good days, there are bad.
And of course, trade-offs aplenty.

In the year, many idealistic notions have been dismissed. More realistic expectations are set.
Work has given the purpose, routine, interaction, the resistance and strength training:)
Especially when most of the time, one deals with the problems alone.
Not to forget the much sought after weekend elation and joy.
The good times catching up with frens and getting support/advice.
And financing those posh meals and travel plans.

Unless tai-tai dom strikes (very unlikely...sobz) :P - the first of many many years to come.
Happy first anniversary.
If we havent started off well, may we at least continue to end it off well.

To all those having it tough at work,
“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10

Pretense

2006-09-10T00:37:00.000+08:00

Pretending

To look- as if the instructions were understood, what needs to be done is clear
To be comfortable with the people, interested in the conversations
To enjoy the company, indulge in the food, appreciate the drinks

Pretending, to ignite and show that confidence, sincerity, earnestness

And yet, pretending

Not to notice your presence
Not to need your concern, protection
Not to remember what you said, what you wore, what you ate
Not to care about the remarks you made and how much they actually mean

Pretending, to subdue that racing heart, restrain that interest and douse the sparks

Sometimes, a little trickery works- to give the mind tt leap of faith to surpass preconceived notions, to discover that actually one can take on the task and deliver the results.

But most of the time, pretending is a reflex against doubts, to conceal the fears and insecurities and bury them so deep in the hope that they wld never surface. In the process, they send wrong signals, create misunderstandings, let opportunities slip and cause regret.

God, give me the courage to admit and face these fears HEAD ON, and rip off tt shield of pretense.

Pleasing Displeasures

2006-08-26T09:43:00.000+08:00

Just a morning ...
And already, lots of things can get me down

Pondering as to how last night just seemed to vanish
Wondering why is it I did not sleep early despite not accomplishing anything
Disgusted as to why I still end up running and rushing after the bus though I've woke up so early

Why is it pple can be so selfish? weather's so grey? frens are so occupied? life's so hard?
Why is my life so boring? the week so painfully long?
Why are things so confusing? Why am i so unfortunate?

"Everything in the world displeases me: but, above all, my displeasure in everything displeases me." -Friedrich Nietzsche

I like this quote:) So aptly put.

The grass would always be greener on the other side.
If one chooses to be colourblind and deaf - to the colours, to the tunes.
Whining blocks the melody and harmony
Complaining shuts out praises and thanksgiving

Everyone has problems.
And everyone's problems are the gravest and most massive in their own view. Small and minuscule in the view of others.
Cos everyone's circumstances are different, perspectives vary and approaches would change accordingly

There's no point in lamenting and indulging in self pity
And wondering how pple have it good
No one does, really.

Sounds harsh rite? That's why i can never be a good teacher. I leave that to Miss Koh to put it in milder terms. Her synonymous entry is 'count your blessings'. Haha.

Enough for whining and complaining for me.
I've had enough of nonsense this week- my own and that of others.

I've got to do what's needed, ignore, forget and quit lamenting what i can't control, be receptive to the blessings every step of my way and pray, pray, pray.

It's the lovely weekend once again. Make the effort to have a blessed one:)

My Island Home

2006-08-09T22:26:00.000+08:00

I didn't catch the ndp theme song this year, till today. Not exactly memorable or particularly meaningful i think, but this line struck a chord.

"My home, wherever I may be, I believe, you will always be a part of me " - My Island Home, 2006 NDP Theme Song

Yes, it doesnt matter whether one's physically here in Singapore or not.
Dare I say, even things like food and Singlish isnt what makes one belong.
But it's accepting and accustoming to everything in the package- both the good and the bad.
The rules and restrictions with the convenience and safety.
Starting with the heaty food and ending it off with the cooling drinks.
Catching up with close friends for lunch then enjoying a night out with clubbers and pubbers.
Letting some pple occupy a parcel in your life. Giving someone else a piece to fit in their parcels.
A whole cocktail of smiles, tears, sweat, toil, laughter and fun.

Happy Birthday Singapore! I love it here in my own uniquely Singaporean way:)

On another note,

That rumbling sound
That burst of colours
That sparkle of radiance in the skies
That- which instantly illuminates the anticipation, smiles and wonder on the faces of the spectators

I've forgotten the magic of viewing the fireworks display. Until today.
For years now, i've subconsciously avoided/ ignored watching the displays.
Today, i realise why.

Because when the crackling dies, the skies turn back to grey, the brilliance fades, and the crowd disappears, after the breathtaking moment...I am always left with the sense of loss, of misplaced feelings and overcharged emotions.

The 'stronger'/more individualistic me then, decided that the best course to take was to insulate myself by not watching.
And I applied this to many areas of my life.
And devised warped ways of managing expectations-
Like how I always avoid making short trips abroad cos they'll make me long for more such that i become more miserable when I return than before I left.
Or how i'm resistant to making friends overseas because it makes parting very hard when the times come.

But today, it also dawned on me that troughs would definitely follow the peaks, the lows would mix with the highs, snarls would be there tog with the praises, a few bad days will always mingle with the good.

I've got to learn to embrace everything in the package. Not avoid it- the good and the bad.
To fight on. Not to be discouraged and weary.
To perservere . Not to give up. Not to be so easily consumed by fear and doubt.
And while doing all that, to enjoy the sparkle, relish the shine, appreciate and be grateful for the favours given to me.

It's easy to be derailed nowadays. Or to be stopped in disbelief. Or to lose sight, be jaded and disillusioned.
But may we have a bit of the childlike stubborness and faith. To press on. To continue. And to succeed.

( Gee, its so cheesy i am gonna discontinue it this moment, i dunno where i'm going with this rambling. I intended to talk about sth else, but i just can't put words to it right now. )

Same ol' places

2006-07-22T06:38:00.000+08:00

Best fren and I have been promising to bring each other to some unique restaurants around Singapore that we've discovered with other frens, tried and really liked - be it for the good food, quiet ambience or sometimes, the atas factor:P

This, despite the fact- that we never make it to these places together. Nor manage to bring best fren 2 to these places when she's back. Instead, whenever we meet, we end up plonking ourselves in unadventurous cafes or any convenient eating places away from the crowds and not budging from the place for hours once we are settled in.

...

For those in the know, I have had to double up as a tourguide of sorts the past few wks- to bring my teamates around Singapore. And earnest/anxious for them to have a good impression of Singapore, i've been trying to recommend and bring them to restaurants with the nicest ambience, bars with the best drinks and live music, clubs with the most happening crowd and of course sedap food all around town. Because surely, award-winning, pricey, exclusive equals impressed, satisfied, happy?

But after the past few weeks, I've realised that for all the glam factor (though definitely not on the pocket), nothing beats my exhilaration when Friday nights comes and the weekend beckons...

Where the meeting time are not confirmed
Where msges are furiously exchanged last minute to change venues and announce late arrivals
Where greasy food's forgiven cos there's too much to catch up, whine, complain, reminisce and imagine
Where sentences peppered with ehs, lahs and can can are effortlessly spouted and understood
Where...
I'm meeting my old friends.

So, for me at least,
It's not about having a whole slate of activities- half the time, we end up only chatting and nothing else. No movies. No sentosa. No night safari.
It's not about the posh places, exquisite food, vintage wines or colourful cocktails.
No iggy, xi yan, mezzanine or sangria.

It's simply, the company and familiarity.

It's the weekend once again. Smile:)

Third Party

2006-07-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

It's stood, between me and

-The beautiful game, which comes only once every four years. I missed every single match, including the much anticipated finals yesterday.
- Exercise, which I skipped though it's much needed considering e amount of greasy food and late night drinks I've been downing
- Work and study which I decieved myself time and again that I would attend to...tomorrow.
- Movie climaxes, which I took my eyes away from
- Catching up with frens, some of whom I haven't met/talked to/updated for a while
- Mng and Zara sales, which has started weeks ago- definitely too late by now to find any gd buys
- Blogging, and completing several half written drafts into posts

In the past, I would defy it, rebel against it, fight it and win the battle.
Even though it means a difficult time the next day, the next week.
It was totally worthwhile to defeat it.

Nowadays, I'm just too powerless in resisting its temptations.
Too hypnotised by its alluring presence, succumbing to its persistence.
It's the age- that i sacrifice watching soccer finals for it.
Giving it first priority
Devoting 'prime time' to it
And yet, it feels as if I never seems to get enough of it

The eyelids droop, the head nods
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

SLEEP- the no. 1 THIRD PARTY in my life

Confessions of the Queen Procrastinator

2006-06-17T09:10:00.000+08:00

The should-do list grows and grows
Time ticks away and the deadlines loom menancingly near

The brilliant display of delaying tactics in postponing chores, tasks and decisions to ~~later~~, ~~tomorrow~~, ~~next month~~
The disciplined denial of what's urgent
The determination to oust what should be the priority out of sight and out of mind
The flair of defending and excusing laziness, ill-discipline, sleepiness, (over)eating, (day)dreaming
The calm composure when one falls behind schedule
The ingenuity to deceive the mind that everything would turn out fine eventually

Surpassing the standards, taking it to unprecedented levels
It never fails to amaze me, how I outdo myself each time, that is, until...

Fear, panic and anxiety attack as time runs out
Disgust, frustration, anger and regret, after suffering the chill, nausea and turmoil of the frantic last minute rush,(re)surface to chasten and chide the squandering of time, the constant putting off of things
Ashamed and remorseful post-mortem, assurance is given that it won't happen again

But...
It inevitably does not work because
I NEVER learn

Problems? No problem!

2006-06-11T06:36:00.000+08:00

"Sometimes, problems are good because they keep you awake. If you believe it's so easy and you start dreaming, you crash" - ex French national soccer player, Emmanuel Petit.

How true. Problems CAN BE GOOD.

But most of the time, we fall into the bait of being consumed by problems.
Before we even face it, we've already associated problems with negative connotations.
Words like trouble, difficulties and chaos come to mind to scare us.
And the pre-occupation dealing with the problems nick us of the belief and foresight that any good may come out of it.

Sometimes, it's a matter of whether we want to see it that way- that a problem can be good and made good. That this problem may actually avert a potentially more serious one. Whether we allow ourselves to view it in that light- that problems can eventually turn out to be blessings rather than curses.

It's funny how, for some, uniqueness isn't valued when it comes to problems. Togetherness somehow is. Pple like to hear that they are not the only one suffering. It appeases them somewhat that others are going through tougher issues. And it makes them sore when others seems to have a good time while they are riddled with problems.

I've come to realise recently...
Everyone has problems.
Not only you.

So stop indulging in those whining and laments of how hard your life is.
Stop pitying yourself.
Stop assuming that others have it good naturally.
That they are favoured to be that slim and tall. Smart to get those grades without studying. Fortunate to clinch the prestigious job. Lucky to excel in their work.
Just because they appear smiling in front of the cameras doesn't mean they have it good all the time.
The regimented workout, the disciplined revision, the rigorous preparation and concerted performance behind the scenes. The pain and toil applies to them too. The sacrifices and strength to deal with the problems, face the music to emerge better and stronger.

Don't penalise them just because they don't talk about their problems, just because they have more grit to handle and overcome the problems.
It will only get you down more.
Quit comparing and envying others for the seemingly smooth and good life others seems to have because there's much more than meet the eye.

"Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more. " - Dr Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

Same for problems in my opinion. Life just keeps making more. No choice but to ride on it and ride it off.
Few of us would embrace problems with open arms.
But think of the times we've gone thru problems, look back and relieved it with fondness. (Think those 'I never would want it any other way' replies to questions).

I don't think just because of this, I wld never feel stumped or defeated, confused or stuck.
It's not a miracle cure and its too airy-fairy to think of anyone bursting with positivity and yelling for problems to be brought on.
Only that there's no need to fret when one can't sleep. It maybe good to be kept awake occassionally to avoid the crash:)

On another note , it's a lovely sunday morning with the dewy smell of a drizzle and a cool breeze. Just can't help but give a wl-trademarked, woot:P
Have a blessed sunday and week ahead!

At the End of the Day

2006-06-02T05:53:00.000+08:00

Preface

For those who regularly check the blog, this entry was actually posted up sometime ago.
For 24 hours or so, before I decided to take it down again.
I had let a warped fear get to me and overcome me once again - that things may go wrong cos I've verbalised and announced it. That what I really want would slip me by when others know. So awkward and embarrassing then. Cursed? Jinxed? Watever.
As much i hated the way this train of thoughts ran, i fall prey to it time and again.

"You of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:31).
Indeed, I have access to inherit the best assurance, and yet, i choose to worry, fear and fret. So silly, really.

So yes, i have reposted it cos there are really some pple i want to thank- whether things do work out eventually or not. For that, I just have to learn, remember and remind myself again and again that I just have to trust God.

It's very easy to hear and partake in good news
Very easy to compose the message. Any word works.
Very easy to smile, hug and announce
Very easy to be there: to celebrate, feast and cheer
Very easy to welcome and embrace

But to those, who have to hear of the troubles, anxiety and frustrations before and beneath the good,

Who have to be burdened and affected by your problem on top of their own
Who have to be sensitive and careful about their reply msges
Who put away their tight deadlines at work or elsewhere, to sms/call/email, help, counsel, advise and encourage
Who willingly asked, then shared the anxiety, endured the coldfeet and suspense and kept the secrets

At the end of the day, it's not the good news that count so much.
The good news may unravel and come undone anytime
And surely, many more sighs, fears, disappointments, failure would be installed in the days to come
The elation would be doused
The ego wld soon be bruised again

The happiness of moments will fizzle and fade
But it doesn't matter.
Cos I'll remember and be grateful-
The sincerity, warmth, support, encouragement and prayers of you'll- family, frens and God.

Thanks... for being there:)

On MC

2006-05-22T22:43:00.000+08:00

Guess I've finally succumbed to the virulent blog disease that has plagued many of my frens
lately, insidious symptoms include weariness, jadedness and ambivalence which result in increasingly sporadic updates or the close- down of blogs.

While the desire to blog is still there - I do feel a certain need to keep up with my entries on a frequent basis, there are too many times now, I would jus stare at the blogging screen with absolutely nothing I feel like writing about. Or even when there's something I want to share, the tone, mood and pace comes out halting, unsatisfactory or all wrong.

Recent posts have been rather laboured, time consuming attempts, composed over many hours and yet coming out all pedestrain and clinical. And I have lost the spontaneity, the fervour, and cathartic release as it was then, where fingers flew over the keyboard, where the things to blog about just overflow, where entries felt lighter, funnier and more natural.

So , I've decided to take blog mc for now, before the zeal wanes any further, or worse, those malicious germs of blog fatigue spread to my other 'healthy' blogging frens.

Drop me a comment if anyone of you out there know of any remedy or cure k? Vaccinations would be even better:P

It's just for the moment, not for too long I hope...

Idling Away

2006-05-12T00:54:00.000+08:00

Haven't blogged in a while.
And some frens are demanding to know why.
Cos I ought to be free. And happy. And enjoying life.

Well, yes, I am far from being busy.
Far from fighting the demands at the workplace
Far from being bogged down by time constraints
Far from the pressure of cancelling dinner appointments

And yet I've been one anti-social creature, holing up at home fending off the demons of blues, panic and despair- waves after waves of them. Not replying smses, not initiating MSN conversations, not arranging meetings with frens, not asking frens how they are as I was suppose/expect myself to since I'm so free now.

I am not someone who would blog about my day, things and feelings as and when they happen or someone who would voluntarily ask for help, call to talk to/ meet frens to pour out my troubles while situations are very much underway/in progress. Even when confronted, i tend to brush things off lightly.

I always feel rather squeamish when the attention's turned on me ( "shy") *blush* and feel as if I am imposing on others ( "considerate ") * blush blush* and sometimes, i am jus not very receptive to the advice/opinions of others and thinks not talking about it is the best way out( ahem, " ~~stubborn~~?, ~~private~~?, independent?") *blush blush blush*

Perhaps, there are implications underlying it- that I am not honest with frens, am pretentious, in denial of the problems or as I like to see it -am preventing myself from inviting more trouble and hurting frens' feelings when i am in the super snappy mood.

I am trying to see how it can be otherwise cos it's not good for me to keep things bottled up nor for frens who have been trying to help but are locked out.That said, I don't blame people for not knowing or understanding what I am feeling/ going thru. But don't blame me either and don't pretend to know me so well when clearly, it isn't the case.
(If you are reading this, you probably aren't the pple i am addressing, i am still ultimately quite cowardly,even it's telling people off, on my own blog)

Blah...hopefully, the storm tt i'm waiting to pass would quickly brew and the blues blown away and pass soon.

Meanwhile, the blogosphere is so quiet. It's not only me! Everyone else don't seem to be blogging/commenting too. Grr, not fair that I keep being asked and 'reprimanded' for not blogging for so long. Where's the fair play?

But well, still a little threatened by all the complaints of frens getting sick of seeing the same page everytime they check my blog. Thot I should at least try to do something so they know I am looking into their complaints plus curb the sliding readership of my blog in view of the tight competition with the readers' time/work/dates/sleep.

Was nearly going to announce my plan of changing blogskins to upgrade the blog and give you'll a surprise. But I guess my worries are unfounded, cos results have shown that you'll are not swayed by such carrots rite? ;)

So yeah, no change. Keep reading, commenting AND POSTING especially pls.

Have a good long weekend all of you!

Face Value

2006-04-25T22:40:00.000+08:00

It's funny how:

We are disturbed when we see funerals, scared to hear news of death, shun the viewing and paying of last respects to the deceased and yet willingly pay to enter the cinema to be haunted by gory episodes of blood splatters and experience the chills and shivers of a stranger-corpse staring and moving towards us.
Employers always state enthusiasm and course study relevance as important qualities candidates should possess, but yet, pick those that are in totally different fields, and those less earnest/keen ones that require much time and effort to coax before accepting the job.
We put in so much effort (consciously or subconsciously/whether we admit it or not) to earn praises and compliments of being slim, pretty, smart etc and yet instead of being offended, find/take comfort in frens who tease, ridicule and insult us of being fat, short and stupid.
We outwardly favour the formidable, dominating team but silently root for and egg the underdogs on.
We are vehemently fighting to be given personal space at home one moment and patiently queuing up the next at MOS to go into the jammed packed dance rooms.
We handle work/address issues/manage people/clean up messes competently at work and come back too tired and weary, not knowing how to start clearing the messes in our homes and hearts.
The criteria that people look out for in their partners/potential partners hardly deviates from i) Must love you, ii)be caring, iii)attentive, iv)sweet- and yet why is it, we are always intrigued by someone with that air of nonchalance, attracted to that arrogance and aloofness, charmed by that streak of rebellion?

The little ironies of life...

Run, Run, Run

2006-04-19T06:13:00.000+08:00

Run

1) It was in the very beginning, just to pass the 1.6 km run segment of the NAPFA test

2) Then- it became an early morning bonding session for some of us who reach sch at 615am.
Where, in the midst of doing rounds and rounds around the field, we'll pant, flail, complain, encourage, talk so loud the whole field reasonated with our hearty and unstoppable laughter.

3) In JC, the what- was- till- then, a simple run was given a more sophisticated twist.
Concepts of breathing techniques, pacing, water consumption, conservation of energy were introduced. And for the first time, running's not jus running anymore. It became a competitive affair, a concerted effort of the mind, a test of not only physical, but mental strength. How to shave a few important seconds off the starting, how to not get affected by others to speed up/slow down but to keep your own pace, how to challenge the mind to surpass previous timings. It teaches of practice, preparation, planning and execution.

4) Uni came, and it all became simply, a bid to keep down the girth while keeping up with the ever-increasing opportunities to feast. A reflex action plan against a slowing down metabolic rate and very susceptible waistline. Also, to channel some of the ebullience and energy having jus taken the first step into adulthood and gotten a glimpse of the colourful personalities ,the galore of choices and the illusion that 'the world's at my fingers '. What used to be a run has since become a jog probably in solitude, but it still had its placebo effect:).

Now, I run, more aimlessly, less ambitiously. Sometimes with much purpose like trying to get rid of the stubborn bulge without the need of Uzap, but most of the time there's none of the discipline (ashamedly) anymore.Now, there's no pushing to run an extra round, to better my speed but instead, a mindlessness that I take comfort in- triumphing the inertia, going through the motion, gasping in lots of fresh air after the run and dare i add, running away from the real world into my personal cocoon.

Maybe it's the day of the year. Maybe it's cos of circumstances that I'm in now. Maybe it's the time i've on my hands.

I'm in this sea of nostalgia admist so much flux, uncertainty, volatility and unknown - thats shaking and transforming the familiar routines these day. Very dynamic (nicely put) and very daunting (to be frank). For the turbulence jus seems to keep coming, waves after waves without any pauses overwhelming us and getting us down. And it's like this plague tt never seems to dissipate.

Running has been one of the very few activities that has held constant over the years , something to seek comfort in, especially in face of my fluctuating feelings, moods, and outlook of late where watever positivity, optimism and faith I can garner this moment vanishes/fades the next. Yet, it too has been exposed / worn down by these changes/influences.

I don't want to be stuck in the rut of reminiscing the carefree, cruising days of the old. I hope i won't keep shunning away and being run down by the problems. I need to build up resistance and immunity, and keep my sight on the purpose so as to have the perserverance and courage to run- be it the rat races, duty race or the spiritual marathon - and to win it. For the most precious prize is awaiting me.

Hebrews 12
"1 Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Coming of age?

2006-04-13T07:32:00.000+08:00

It used to be, back in pri/sec school that sharing of secrets are a large part of how we make and keep friends.
It's a source of pride- to be a trusted confidant, to know something exclusive.
It's an affirmation of the strength of the friendship, a responsibility that is regarded seriously, so that a secret would really be what it is, a secret.
Much efforts are taken to earn that respect of becoming a confidant.
Maybe it's a petty girl thing but for the 'secret-teller', be prepared to endure cold wars or even lose the friendship if your best fren finds out that you let someone else other than her know the secret first. It's a big no-no to be guilty of misplacing/betraying the trust.

Now, however, there's no longer the coaxing even when sometimes, its evident that friends need a listening ear and are waiting for us to offer some help.
No longer the feeling of honour to be the friend's lifeline of help.
No offense taken when you find out a good fren's secret from someone else.
Only the sense that you don't want to know that much sometimes.
Only the thought that you don't want to be caught in a dilemma/be bogged down and burdened by those dark secrets - as if you don't have enough of your own.
Sadly, sometimes, you rather not know...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It used to be, that when we hear good news/or potential good news, we embraced it with sheer joy. That hope, even if it's jus a shimmer, is fully amplified and stretched - to imagine, bask and dream of what good may happen, what good can happen. We talk about it. We announce it to share the happiness. And jus that gleam of hope can bring so much strength. The spirit is indomitable.

Now, there's no longer that pure joy nor the true belief in hope.
Only the reflex attempts to subdue any sense of hope that tries to lodge itself in the mind.

Whenever hope creeps into the mind, whenever the mind entertains the possibilities ( that the leave maybe approved, that we maybe selected for the job, that a handsome bonus maybe awaiting), we skeptically question if it's for real, wander how long it's going to last, frantically try to swipe out any glimmer of hope and foolishly choose to attend and focus on those unfounded fears and worries.

It's kept hushed up, we keep mum about it cos it may not come true, cos its so embarrassing to have to retract our words, cos it's so awkward and painful to have to explain/ deal with people's reactions/surprise/shock . We rather not say, so that there's no need to have to cope with the expectations of others on top of our own, if these hopes don't materialise in the end

Better to be safe than sorry.
For fear that the higher the hopes, the harder the fall.

In the name of being conservative and managing expectations.

To cushion the disappointments, uncertainties, and possible turn and twists in events.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The older we get, the more we are intolerant to a beating in pride, the more we do not express or volunteer concern for friends for fear that it's not reciprocated.

The older we get, the smaller the threshold for failure is, the more we don't harbour hopes or dare to dream for fear of embarrassment and disappointment

To show more concern and love again.

To conjure and believe in hope again.

The armours to combat that balloning pride and fan on that increasingly fragile courage and spirit .

Because, after all- that's what life is, isn't it?

Love, faith and hope.

Apology

2006-04-09T05:43:00.000+08:00

Hullo Hunk,

You probably heard me deep in conversation with my fren, oblivious to the surroundings
The voice scaling up with musicality and excitement as I introduced and reviewed each dish
The arms flailing, trying to paint the vivid and sumptious spread of food
How well-versed I was with the discounts that were offered with whichever credit cards at whichever hotel(*BLUSH*)
To arrive at the logical conclusion that I can probably help you out
And tell you how to walk from where we were at Suntec to Ritz Carlton, Millenia

The sincerity in your eyes
That soothing baritone voice
Those handsome features
Made us want to help you so much
So that even though we had no idea where it was- we thought it sounded familiar enough for us to retrieve some recollections of it
To give some kind of murky directions and estimated time of arrival by walking
To earn that profuse thank-yous that followed
And the oh- so- charming and winsome smile of yours
How our eyes followed you even after you walked away
So you wouldn't go in the 'wrong' direction

Sorry hunk, we only realise our mistakes after we snapped out of the trance
That you should turn right instead of left at the junction
And you would need 10 mins at the very least instead of 3 mins we declared
It really wasn't our intention to dupe you
Really

Here's the directions, in case you have to walk from Suntec to your hotel again and no longer trust Singaporean gals.
And while you are there, you can check out one of the best Cantonese cuisine in Singapore
Now, for what are the specialities and discounts you can get at the restaurant, you can always count on me;)

Lovely

2006-04-01T05:47:00.000+08:00

I looked at the watch and recognised the time as 6pm
I took in a whiff and was silently triumphant to have guessed the scent correctly
I saw the colours of the sky change and let the first drops of musky rain fall n moisten my parched lips
I answered a call and detected a zest in the voice replacing the dull drone that has been mine for sometime
I walked and found a bounce in my steps
I ate and savoured the succulence of the food as i took time to chew
I hummed and was glad i was back in tune and no longer flat
I smiled and enjoyed a genuine endorphin rush and radiance melt the plastic grim smiles I've been wearing to face the world

However fleeting this feeling may be
I'm in love
All over again
Falling head over heels...

With this life of mine:)

My senses
It's slowly seepin back
Watch this space...

Don't Know Why

2006-03-12T01:37:00.001+08:00

Don't know why...

1) Much has happened but none is blogged
2) When what's been fervently wished and hoped for finally materialises, the supposed sense of euphoria/happiness /betterment of attaining it almost never follows ... unlike in those wishes
3) It's sometimes easier to confide in someone you barely know than share those woes and sentiments with people who understand you the most
4) A relationship can withstand the toughest times, long distances apart but collapses when both are together in the same place again
5)What insignificant people say influences , affects and crushes but the advice of those dear ones fall on deaf ears and are disregarded
6) Pride is swallowed, forgiveness given, sweet and mushy msges uttered generously to casual frens but are hardly dispensed to close frens
7) When problems crop up, some close frens are more susceptible to slip to become strangers than casual ones would
8) Love works in such a way that those who bring the greatest joy and share the most memorable times are also the ones who yield the power to cause the most pain and sadness

Sometimes, formulaes don't work, reasoning deviates and logic is overturned. Irony rears it heads to mock and taunt.
The unpredictability, inability to explain, nasty surprises and helplessness wears us thin and throws us off the balance.
Such that we irrationally brood and grieve over the wrong circumstances, aspire and chase the wrong successes, pledge our allegiance and try to please the wrong people, seek the wrong goals.

Lord, I pray for the clarity of mind and peace of spirit to know that all I have only to obey, seek and please You and all would fall into place.
It's that simple.

Bubbles and Bath

2006-02-27T23:58:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, in the most troubling of times, it's the simplest things that bring the greatest pleasure.
Like taking a good, long, unrushed bath...

Letting the powerful jets of water beat on the back, smoothing those aching and stiff muscles , as well as the edgy mood of late
Running the creamy shampoo through the hair to unknot those tangles, not just in the hair but also, in the mind
Inhaling the fragrant whiff of the shower cream to revive the numbness of the spirit to feel the tingling sensation of those paper cuts
Slathering the rich shower foam to wash away those stubborn- inkstains on the hands and melt away that trickle of tear or two
Blowing and watching those bubbles- to make the heavy woes a little lighter and lift the hopes a little higher

The magic of a bath...even if it its only a while

Save the Last Dance for Me

2006-02-19T00:10:00.000+08:00

Save the Last Dance for Me

You can dance every dance with the guy
Who gives you the eye and let him hold you tight
You can smile every smile for the man
Who held your hand 'neath the pale moonlight
But don't forget who's taking you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin' save the last dance for me

Oh, I know that the music's fine like sparkling wine
Go and have your fun,
Laugh and sing, but while we're apart
Don't give your heart to anyone
And don't forget who's taking you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin' save the last dance for me

There's a point in time...

When faith dwindles and everything's so blue
When all ranting's stopped not because the agony ceases but just cos it doesn't help at all
When words that soothes turn around to dishevel the thoughts, churn and add to the confusion
When well-meaning encouragements that used to spur, cause much anxiety now cos they don't work no more
When family & friends as hard as they try, are alienated cos they won't understand anyway, or so I think

And so yes,
I can sulk, be frustrated and pull a long face
I can be anti-social, difficult or reclusive
I can block out everyone's well-meaning advice and numb myself with bitterness
I can drown and crush myself with sympathy and self-pity
I can resist and bar any happy thoughts from intruding on my miserly state so I can continue being depressed
I can loop the same melancholic song the entire day to keep myself constantly morose

I can indulge in my 'fun'- the insouciance, the jadedness, rebellion, or angst...

But... truth is,
I musn't forget who is the one who still takes me back home, no matter how many times I've strayed
And whose arms it is I will always be held
Even when everything falls apart
I cannot outrun it or deny it or escape from it. And so go through the fire and plough on I must. To be moulded. To be polished.
I pray I have the tenacity and strength

This song... it doesn't sound as sad/achingly beautiful as many of the ballads i favour- but I like:P...And i think it teaches a great lesson about love.

The big-heartedness of the love
To be willing to let someone dear have the freedom to do what he/she enjoys/wishes to do, trusting and respecting him/her enough though you may not share his/her belief and desires
To allow him/her to have fun, to be hurt, to make mistakes and finally, accepting him /her back joys, tears, smiles,bruises and all.

The sensibility and responsibility of love
Yes, you can party, be awed by and oogle at the the hunkiest/ prettiest.
You can be impressed and be won over by the slickest/styliest, be melted by the sweetest
The choices are dazzling, plentiful and may seems so attractive.
But know where your loyalties lie, don't forget to return to what you've committed-the right path to take/ the right thing to do/the right one for you and honour it/ him/her. It's the best, really.

And this...let it be my belated V day post:)

Darlin, save the last dance for me

Tired...

2006-02-11T02:53:00.000+08:00

Tired of....

Eating dinner past supper times ; dozing off with hair still wet
Wearing off the soles of working heels with all the rushing to, fro and during work; Leaving the new cross trainers untried on the shelf.
Sleeping reduced to a nap; meeting ups and conversations condensed to smses
Complaining of how bad it is; imagining how good it is/can be
Trying to fuel optimism and positivity; trying to subdue the negativity and the angst
Psyching myself to perservere; stirring myself to quit and walk away
Inunduating the mind with encouragements that fail to pick me up; dishing out encouragements that fail to mean anything to me anymore

Enough of the feel-good/picture perfect/heartwarming/long and preachy posts.
Enough of being overly obliging,chirpy, concerned, understanding, and level headed.
Enough of acting strong, mature, independent and resilient.
Enough of masking the weariness, vulnerability, confusion and disappointments

For the longest time, I just try not to show and voice the agony and affect others.
But I am no angel.
Tonight, there's no moral of the story.No lessons to be imparted. Nothing to gloat about or be proud of.
Tonight, just let me wallow in self pity and know that i can be so weak and need God so.

Steadfast

2006-01-30T09:29:00.000+08:00

Familiarity
With a routine that goes back as far as my memories can take me

Of sitting around the table
Of glowing red on the cheeks because of the heat
Of dropping slices of meat into the pot and not being able to find it
Of diligently chewing on semi-cooked food and insisting it’s cooked to avoid my cooking skills being the topic at the dinner table for yet another year
Of letting the steam mist those spectacles and cloud the vision
Of silently dumping the sea cucumber that I’ve fished out, back into the soup without being lectured on how nutritious they are and how I should not be picky about food

Although,
The table isn’t round
Functional metal spoons are used instead of exquisite porcelain ones meant for meals and soup like this
Going out for a meal will save much hassle of preparation, having to cook the food myself and having to clear up after dinner

But, there’s nowhere else that I can get away with
Using a fork for a hot pot dinner to poke the dumplings out of the pot without being stared at
Drinking fish maw soup, trying pineapple tarts, biting into bah kwa and washing it down with wine all within a meal
Sulking and snapping that I keep being prodded to eat more and having heaps of food put on my plate
Picking up and tucking the slice of abalone I dropped on the floor into my mouth with no hesitance

The hot pot broth,
Bland and clear in the beginning
Only gets richer and more flavourful
Because of the mesh of ingredients
That’s thrown in and left to brew and boil

Just like the family
Each one so different
But known and accepted, the way we are- the little good, some bad and much ugly
Some parts routine, some parts responsibilities, some parts obligations, and most parts
Just because we are family.
Just because they are the first pple we knew, played with, ate with, lived with,
Learnt about love and kinship and endured pain and hardships

Familiarity.
There were years i dreaded it. Resisted it. Wish I could avoid it.
But this year... in the Lord's presence, I snuggle in the steadfast and abundant love of family.

Happy Chinese New Year dear all.

Saving Grace

2006-01-21T23:21:00.000+08:00

When work first started, weekends meant action.
Ambitious goals were set. Targets must be reached.

To do the shopping that can't be done on weekdays.
To partake in the brunch/hi-tea specials that had to be missed because of work.
To catch up with friends and try to maintain relationships like they used to be when we were all still students.

Come Wednesdays - the mid-wk countdown begins.
Thursday nights - invites anticipation and sustained energy to stay on MSN to welcome Fridays. Fridays and it's wholehearted action!

That...was a few months ago.

Nowadays, yearning for the weekends officially begins on Monday.
Mondays are for reminiscing the past wkend that whizzed past.
Tuesdays are for the next weekend that seems oh so far.
And then begins the long-drawn and often agonizing wait, Wednesdays & Thursdays.
Come Fridays, there's no longer the guilt of wasting a precious night away if there's no scheduled visit to town or no meet- ups with friends. Would be grateful the workday didn't stretch till Saturday.

All I want to do now during weekends is to hole up at home to:

- Catch up on some much needed sleep in the comfort of the bed instead of having to sneak in a fitful doze on the cab that keeps emergency braking
- Spend alone time to reconnect with my feelings, listen to my heart instead of ignoring or shoving it admist the busyness of working
- Shed that plastic and obligatory smile and niceness necessary at work to express my mood on my face with no concealers
- Touch base with my family. To catch up on the happenings of the wk with my mum- without falling asleep. Or multitasking in front of the laptop. Or losing my temper, pent up from working, on her.
- Time out from work to ramble incoherently like I am now:)

There's no egging each other on to stay longer on MSN.
No pressure to meet up soon.
Smses are peppered with understanding 'go sleep soon' and ' have some rest' instead of
jeerin 'dun be a spoilsport, come out and meet us' when appts are missed during oldtimes

Maybe reality has struck
We probably have exhuasted the reserve energy from schooling days.
We can lament that the insidious effects of working life is seeping into us.
But perhaps, it's also because we've all matured.
We've become more undertsanding with a touch of pragmatism.
To know that we no longer can catch up and update one another every single day.
To understand that we can't expede the same effort much as we care and want to help.
Managing expections. Reducing demands.

Changes. There's no avoiding them.
Only one thing remains the same.
Weekends are such saving graces - to stay sane, real and who I truly am.
Thank God for them.

Full Circle

2006-01-14T00:57:00.000+08:00

Once, eating porridge was a torturous affair.
It looked like curd.
It tasted like coagulated retch.
It was either too thick or too watery. Too hot or too cold. Too salty or too bland.
The perfect food to induce puke and tears as i coerced it down.
Meant for the sick, it made me sick downing it.
I agonised trying to force it down. Adults antagonised trying to force it down me.

For a good ten years after those nursery days where porridge was the staple food for meals, I stayed clear of it, avoiding it at all cause.

Never would I have thought I would come back to embrace it in such a big way now.
To queue for hours to relish a bowl of this tradition.
To take in the subtle whiff when its served
To savour the silky gruel running down the throat
To be soothed and calmed from the wet and the rain by its warmth
To be nourished by something so simple

Taste and perspective.
How they permutate, change and switch sides.
How they can reconcile differences at times and yet fuel the differences to tear it all apart at others
How they can make one swoon and fall head over heels one moment and run away in disgust the next

I so like to rush things sometimes.
To talk myself into embracing something/someone.
Tricking myself to resent some other things/people.

Everything in its time. God makes sure of that.
I just need to take one step at a time.

Bye 2005!

2005-12-31T23:57:00.000+08:00

I only have 2 minutes to sum the year up if i want to post this entry up on this last day of 2005. And i am ill-prepared. Very.
Pardon the need to go back in time, when you read this on 2/1/2005 morning (most probably), cos i will backdate it.
To remember i did try to start the post on 31/12/2005. Also so that the title is still valid:P

The title of this post is deceptively more nonchalant than how I really feel tonight about bidding farewell to 2005.
So the obsession with date.
To cling on to the last moments of 2005 even as the clock ticks away.

As always, the missing and appreciation comes only when its gone.
If i had my way, I would stall time and not step into the new year. But at the rate that I am wishing for that almost every single year, I will still be stuck in yr 2000.
I'm starting to miss 2005 - for its good, bad, happy, sad and how I've lived/endured/ survived through it.
...

1) Getting closer and keeping in touch with friends I never thought I can get along with
Losing contact with firm friends

2) Resisting even a trim of the hair above shoulder length for ages
Then deciding to shorn it short in a couple of minutes

3) Puzzled and trying to recall what I saw in the top that made me splurge so much on it a few seasons back
To fall back in favour for a top from years back that was never worn cos I considered it far too outlandish

4) Unable to keep up with the tempo, energy of those English raps I've grew up listening
Discovering how I can actually identify with many of the Chinese ballads

5) Always habouring the fantasies, freedom and independence of living alone/abroad
To be proved so wrong.
Making Home- one of my favourite songs of the year and realising there's, really, no place like home.

6) Putting judgement that certain people/jobs/things/actions would not be sought after/fancied too quickly
Finding out - to each his/her own.
There would be someone out there that would be sharp enough to spot, find and pursue the gem that nobody saw and do wonders with it

7) Disappointing myself - for failing at stuff I thought i'm/was fully capable of &
Surprising myself- making it through the difficult times
I've been both humbled and awed this year

8) Overestimating how mature, collected, in control, pragmatic I am/can be
Underestimating how vulnerable, disoriented, lost and confused I can get relying on myself
I need God. Memorise and remember it!!

9) To learn that all lists dun necessarily have to have 10 points to make it complete:P

2005.
Unpredictability.Fragility. Frivolity. Surprises. Shocks. Cold. Warmth. Twists. Turns
Giving and taking chances.
Just like any year. But yet unique in its own way.

A year soon to go down in history
Prepared or not,
Yet another year coming along- fast and furious.

Christmas isn't Christmas till it Happens in Your Heart

2005-12-26T08:48:00.000+08:00

Dear Readers,

Special bumper issue today in celebration of Christmas! Since ST isn't published today. I will do my part to let you'll have your daily read:)
Haha...in my tired state on Fri night, i didn't know that the last post wasn't published. So many apologies and a belated Merry Christmas.

Luv,
Cranberrymist

Christmas.
Every year, it comes and goes.

- There are the tropical sunny ones. Then they are the rainy, chilly, windy ones that bring the imagination a lil closer to the white christmases that sounds so exotic and lovely.
- There are those where I've slept through, worn out by the day's work or play and those that I have stayed vigil to welcome and usher in
- There are years where the word Christmas adds a bounce to the step. And years where the mention lends a little heaviness to the steps- for the weight not lost, cards not sent and gifts not bought.
- There are the very first few spent at family gatherings with sumptious spreads. Then the coming of age ones spent with friends. Only then, settling for chips and salads does one know how much preparation and effort actually goes into coming out with the lavish feast huh:P?
- There have been the loud, boisterous and busy ones with back to back celebrations, experiencing both the commercialised fun and subsequent physical and emotional hangover. And the quiet, restful ones- where there's a renewal in spirit and restoration of peace in my mind.

The pristineness, simplicity and innoncence of Christmas from young.
Of family and loved ones all back together.
Of feasts and classic carols sung to bring some cheer
Of all misgivings and misunderstandings resolved and forgiven
Have been sobered/tarnished somewhat through the years.

It's not all saccharine sweet. Or heartrendingly warm.
Families may not be complete.
Frens may have relocated abroad. Or sent on a worktrip ( You two are dearly missed)
The company of last christmas maybe different from this christmas.
There can be no complete abandonment of work
Turkey's missing from the spread
Hatchets may not be buried on this day we call Christmas
There's still disappointments, confusion, setbacks and doubts to deal with.

But I still love Christmas-
- For the uplifting carols that never fails to soothe and cheer me up, no matter what season and whom it's reinterpreted by
- For the only time I feel comfortable initiating conversations and unabashedly emailing/msging/calling friends to yell Merry Christmas to and thank them for their care
- The tingling of the heart when well-wishes are received

And most of all, the love that seeps in and fills every hollow in the heart
That heals every hurt or wound
That overflows to pay the price of my sins

I may habour many fantasies of Christmas. And be crushed when I find out that Santa Claus don't exist.
But don't ever let me lose sight of this
(J dear, you've got a present too:)- hang in there ya)
The best present that would be received

The true meaning and magic of Christmas.

I'll be Home this Christmas

2005-12-24T00:32:00.000+08:00

All it took was 2 weeks of holing up at the client's place from dawn to dusk.
With minimal human contact. Just difficult clients in the day and cab drivers at night:P
Catching snatches of carols - only in the washroom.
Hurriedly staving off meals & hunger with packets aft packets of biscuits.

To make me spend the eve of Christmas eve in a way I never thought I would.
To make the usually extremely crowd averse me raring/determined to step into Orchard on Friday:

- To witness and get shoved and pushed by the crowds
- To after a few knocks, learn how to retaliate by brazenly squeezing and snaking through the crowds. The only advantage of being short:)
- To partake in the queues - to get into cabs, to gift wrap presents, to find seats. Also to have the luxurious option of walking away haughtily snubbing the queue.
- To engage in a massive festive christmas food spree- even if its just feasting for the eyes:).
- To eat a fried instant noodle dish for dinner that turned out to be surprisingly good when I wouldn't be caught eating instant noodles even at home

Alright, I wasn't as boisterous as I expressed it. In fact,only 15 minutes of being swamped by the hoardes, I was already pleading to leave the place . But still..I consider it a feat that I was actually there:)

Thank you best fren, for braving the crowds with me. And painting the town red...well, maybe only with our loud voices. But that's enough:P

"I'll be home for Christmas.
You can count on me."
~ Whitney Houston, I'll be Home this Christmas

Yes, I am so glad I am home for Christmas. And it needn't be only in my dreams.* Big grinz*

Have a blessed Christmas, everyone. May you take the time to feel the warmth, joy and love of the season. And help spread the cheer too.

Merry Christmas!

Do unto others as you would have them do to you

2005-12-18T06:34:00.000+08:00

I must learn to do unto others only what I would like them do to me.
Here's what I get when I don't.

Past midnight after work one day.
Very drained and zonked out.
Midly impatient that the cab I called still hasn't arrived after a good 10 mins wait.

When it finally came, I garnered my last ounce of strength to lug the laptop and the luggage of workpapers on the cab and slammed the door shut... albeit a little too loudly.

I don't like others to treat me as a punch bag and vent their anger or displeasure at me though it's no fault of mine, do I?

Clearly, the cab driver wasn't too pleased and reminded me in an admonishing tone, "xiao jie, this is an auto door, don't have to use so much force to close it"

Point taken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me: Mumbled a quick apology.
Uncle, XXX place please.
Cab driver: The originally quite chirpy face turns a shade darker.

Oops. I get upset even when pple call me 'xiao jie' now and no longer 'xiao mei'. I shouldn't presume that all cab drivers are already Uncles. He looks slightly younger than the stereotype middle-age uncles. And the radio is tuned to Perfect 10. I gotta be more observant!

My fault
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a bid to clear the slightly frosty air and do damage control, he doubled as a tourguide as we passed Mohammed Sultan- identifying all the clubs and pubs along the street.

I 'yeah, ya and oh' along. It isn't exactly a very nice feeling to relish, to see crowds of clubbers and party- goers have fun and unwind when I have been slogging at work at the client's place a few doors down these clubs.

Not daring to cut him off his enthusiastic rambling, I resorted to my most used tactic of whipping up the handphone to fend off any more conversation. Appeared to be fully focused on replying smses and answering a few phonecalls. Silence and peace ensued for a while.

Nearing my destination, i started giving him directions as to how to get to my place.
Me: 'Uncle, after the bus stop, chuan zuo' (Since the harm of calling him an uncle was already done, might as well continue right? Aniwei, how to address cab drivers other than uncles?Sir?)

Cab driver gets defensive: Why must you switch to Mandarin? You think all cab drivers can't understand English? We have to undergo training and speak proper English to passengers you know. Not Singlish like you were speaking to your friend over the phone just now. Btw, It's not ' I take already', its ' I took'.

What can I say? I got a taste of my own medicine.

For discourteously cutting him off with phonecalls and smsing.
For slipping into Singlish when I, condescendingly correct people's Singlish at other times.
For switching to Mandarin. I never liked it when friends/ colleague switch to English when I join the conversations- as if I can't hold a conversation in Mandarin. I should have known better than to do that. Bad bad move on my part.

Tsk. Shame on you, cranberry.

Giving and Taking

2005-12-04T22:03:00.000+08:00

I have had to...

- Excuse myself from lunches with colleagues and absent myself from office functions and activities so as to meet up
- Furiously fend off the drowsiness at work and guilt of piling on the weight after all the heavy, greasy and carbo-laden lunches, dinners, suppers and drinks i was coaxed into having
- Watch my words & withdraw participation from 'news exchange' with others so as to keep that secret of yours
- Endure blisters standing there for 50 minutes waiting for the 'will be a lil late you'
- Postpone my sleeping time, time and again, sleep deprived as I am, to chat a little longer

But, in return,
- I receive encouraging , motivating and comforting smses in the morning to start the day off with a smile
- The day is made much more bearable when I have that lunch/dinner/supper meeting to look forward to that
- I have excuses to miss those networking functions and gatherings I have no desire to attend:P
- I have a chance to savour delicious dishes and desserts at new cafes and reminisce times at old ones
- I can look beyond my own miniscule problems to help a little when you confide your woes to me
- I get airtime to vent out all the pent up listlessness & frustrations within me to you who may not understand but still care enough to listen
- I get to enjoy, relax, laugh, unwind in the smashing company of you'll

It's because of you. All of you.

Taking turns-
To share and receive
Sometimes you talk, other times you listen
Sometimes you take initiative, other times you take a step back
Sometimes you give support, at others , you ask for help
Sometimes you cry, other times you lend a shoulder to cry on
Sometimes you write posts & read blogs, other times you comment (ahem, ahem:P)
Sometimes you give, other times you take.

Giving and taking. It's what friendship boils down to.

Just for Laughs

2005-11-26T05:36:00.000+08:00

There are the trivial and heavily used lolz and and ROFLs that pepper nearly every sentence on MSN and in smses

There are the perfectly timed and executed hahas to mitigate and ease the mood after a serious, possibly offending statement/view rendered

There are the ice-breaking heehees that's autoemitted to the humourless jokes that the newly made aquintance just keeps on telling

There are the hahas, heehees, hurhurs that are uttered and dilligently rotated to avoid monotonousness as replies to indicate presence on online conversations which one is caught in/ have no wish to participate in

The are the hahas that encrypt the indignance felt and give a misguided sense that one's happy, sweet and all things nice

...

I've laughed too much like these in recent days, when nothing's funny, when nothing's tickling my nerves, when the laughs are learned and practised reflexes.
What i need now is a good, long, side-spilitting,biological, natural laugh- the uncontrollable kind, the ill-timed ones, the inappropriate one, the crappy ones
Like those in primary school that a friend and I try so hard to stifle cos the teacher's scolding us and it's so not right to laugh. Suppose to look all remorseful and repentant y'know.
Like those in school/ library, in the middle of the night, when the stress level hits a common chord in all of us, and our funny nerves get triggered by the silliest things. Nobody knows what is so funny but we laugh all the same.Heartily, heaving, hyperventiliating, till we are in stitches.
Good stomach workout I would say. Considering I havent been doing crunches for quite a while.

I need a laugh, to indulge myself this weekend when I've to work both Sat and Sun. Haha.
Now...what kind of laugh was tt?;)

On A Rainy Night

2005-11-17T01:24:00.000+08:00

Before the rain...

Some smelt it in the air, felt the light breeze of wind and sensed the ache in their bones
even before the rain fell
Others were bogged down and preoccupied with so much work they did not even notice the darkening of the sky

During the rain...
Some whipped open their umbrellas and ducked for shelters to hear the raindrops pattering above them
Others dashed and ran through the rain to feel the raindrops pattering down on their bare skin

Some are caught in the rain, cold and drenched, trying hard not to slip and fall walking on the wet, slippery pavement
Others are tucked comfortably in bed, trying hard not to fall asleep on a cosy night like this

Some are sad and down, for the slight drizzle is a sign of the skies grieving and mourning with them over their predicaments.
Others are happy and joyous- even the flashes of lightning looked like celebratory fireworks and the rumbling thunder, roars of joy

After the rain...

Some moods are dampened by the downpour- for the reminders of grey, cold and wet
Other moods are lifted and refreshed- for the promise of sunshine after the rain

A kaleidescope of...
Actions. Situations. Feelings. Emotions. Perceptions.
All on a rainy night

The Employee's Dilemma

2005-11-07T00:45:00.000+08:00

How do I...

- Hide in the pantry, take imaginary sip after sip out of an already empty styrofoam cup just to stall a bit more time to catch up with a friend

- Pretend to be busy and occupied, hold up the speed of doing things, so that efficiency won't be abused with extra work beyond my scope piled on me

- Feign ignorance, quell my view and stand, suppress my frustrations, withdraw from any involvement because I am too junior to be entangled in the politicking and too soon to see it all, be burnt out and jaded

- Be friendly, smile, guarded, obliging, wary all at once to you when I don't know and can't trust you yet but we need to develop at the very least, a cordial working relationship

- Insulate and immunise myself, against feeling too much, getting too affected when people leave and i'm left behind

How do I, pace myself and keep pace?
How do I, be genuine when so much is pretentious?

To quote a friend who's really going to walk the talk, are 'the treacherous ways of working adults creeping stealthily' into me?

As of now, I still feel revolted by these acts on somedays, I still sense the fear of losing myself- that after a day of brushing off, holding back and restraining of opinions and feelings, there's no longer the urge to voice, talk or blog about them - they are resigned to their fates, cast aside, buried deep within.

But, these days get less and less, while the days where I've deemed it as acceptable keeps increasing. After all, it does makes work a little easier and smoother- to feel, care, speak a little less and mind one's own business a bit more. It would be too tiring any other way.
Not something that's embraced, welcomed but necessary.
It's part and parcel of work. Of life.

I don't have your guts nor your mental and emotional strength ,wl, to make and stick to such a life-changing decision.
So I'm staying put, in search of my own touch, my own way of striking a balance-
Between bluntness and honesty, mere regard and respect, diplomacy and sincerity, slickness and geniality

I will grow, experiment, learn, grapple with it and plough on.

The Weekend Spirit

2005-10-28T00:24:00.000+08:00

Weekends.
Two and the half days we squeeze, pack, stretch and fleece to its limits.
To do things we are denied of during weekdays.

We want to stay in AND go out.
To dress down AND dress up
To eat at home AND eat out
To catch up with friends AND catch up with sleep

No matter how draining work has been, we refuse to fritter Friday nights away by going home. Even if it means yawning endlessly and zonkin out during the meet-ups.

No matter how much we need rest, we ambitiously squeeze back to back appointments to meet friends cum shop cum feast cum gym cum catch up- all at once on Saturdays.
Even if gym's forever put off last minute, shopping's a drag because of weary bodies and legs and conversations are incoherent because the minds are switched off

No matter how we ought to settle down, sleep early to gear up for yet another week, we cannot sleep on Sunday nights. Even if it means a painful and difficult Monday ahead fighting lack of sleep.

We refuse to waste a single moment, a minute of the precious two and the half days.
We make up for the deprivation of weekdays with a fiery vengeance.
Rigour, energy, enthusiasm and zest we can never garner during weekdays spring forth in abundance.

This, is the indomitable spirit of the weekend.

More or Less

2005-10-16T19:19:00.001+08:00

Sometimes,

The more one sleeps, the more lethargic one feels
The cheerier the tones of the entries, the darker one's mood is
The more one breaks into laughter, the more one chokes back tears within
The more one seeks to find answers, the more the questions that are left in the wake
The sweeter the moment is, the more bitter the aftertaste

There are times when,

The chirpier and animated I get talking about others, the more I hold back about myself
The more 'whatevers' I nonchantly utter, the more it actually matters and the more I care
The more I try to block myself from thinking of something/someone, the more it swirls and plays in my mind
The gentler the admonishment, the more reproachful I feel
The more I took things in my own hands, the less I relied on Him, the more worries, fears, obstacles and confusion befuddled me.

This, more or less...sums up the week.
For me. For family. For frens. For strangers.

A week of routine and surprises, lies and confessions, lost and found, trust and mistrust, leaps, wrestles, trips and triumphs. We've lost some and gained some.

But Lord, I no longer want to ask why. I no longer want to know why. For I KNOW, Your plan is the BEST PLAN. One that I never need to fret over, nor need to ponder if it can be relied on, up to standard or fool-proof. For one day, I would learn and recognise that it's the best path for me.
Even though fickle me may strongly believe today and doubt tomorrow, trust one day and
waver the next, be renewed today but battered tomorrow, thank You, Lord for never withdrawing Your promise to me.

A promise that would never be broken. The promise that would supply all the needs I ever had (Phil 4:19) so that I would " not walk in darkness, but have the light of life" (John 8:12).

To You who Bumped into Me

2005-10-09T18:51:00.000+08:00

Hi colleague,

On weekdays, I didn't make eye contact or say hi to you because:

- I was in a rush and was too lazy to slap any concealer/make up on those dark circles and zits
- I was running late and I still can't run fast enough in those heels to make it to the office in time if i stopped to talk
- I couldn't remember your name and don't want to resort calling you 'eh'
- I haven't read the newspaper/ listened to the weather forecast on radio so I don't know enough to sustain a discussion with you on the weather all the way from the bus stop to the office
- Much as I would love a break, I don't want to take MC (at least not at the moment) after you loudly announced your presence by shooting uncovered sneezes in my direction, charmed me with your raspy voice and electrified me with your beady, sore and red eyes.

However, this weekend, I didn't say hi again and seemed desperate to go...

- Not because I am high-strung and antisocial (but that said, perhaps I am:P)
- Not because I was too embarrassed of how slack I looked, with thick glasses and dishevelled hair
- Not because you were a pain to talk to

But because I was in the midst of an activity:
- Which turns on the passion and adrenalin rushes
- Which I hate to be interrupted, in case it foils my strategy
- That required my utmost focus and concentration to plan ahead-
i) on what food/meals I had to sacrifice the next few days,
ii) of how I am going to appease my mum and get her acceptance when I get home,
iii) of how I can make my way around the imposed limit.

I was at (click on the link)...

Learnt

2005-10-02T21:19:00.000+08:00

In 2 weeks, I've learnt:

To balance on the jerky bus on the way to work to make use of those precious few minutes to reply the backlog of smses
Not to be embarrassed when I go down one escalator, and up another to find that I am back in the same spot in the maze called Raffles Place MRT station
To navigate the nooks and crannies to discover food places, decide on what to eat and gulp down lunch in less than 45 mins
30 new names and forgot/mispronounced/mistook 20 of them at one time or another
The art of staring intently at the feet whenever in the elevator to minimise the meeting of gazes and the need for small talk
To shut up immediately upon entering the washroom no matter how harmless the conversation may seem
That the way to get many things done is to do it alone

For better or for worse, the work persona is developing.

First Weekend...

2005-09-25T00:04:00.000+08:00

It was back in the company of old friends and familiar faces again, where I

1) Launched into MSN/phone/face-to-face conversation straight away without the need for cordial greetings or ice-breakers
2) Give the nearer bus stop a miss to walk down further just so there's more time to catch up
3) Are let off for skipping lunch/dinner without the need for wordy explanation or scrutiny
4) Feel safe enough to let my guard down, do away with the diplomacies and pour my heart out without holding back and worrying that I would be judged
5) Don't have to keep trying to fill those moments of silences- because even the silences, instead of being awkward and painful, relaxes and comforts

It's Time

2005-09-18T22:22:00.000+08:00

When tomorrow comes,

There won't be...
- The struggle to recall what day of the week it is
- Short-lived guilt of being too lazy to exercise
- A leisure, multi-course breakfast
- The newspaper flip-through from cover to cover- even if it's only to glance at headlines and celebrity gossips
- Luxury of sitting and eating throughout the entire duration of the buffet lunch/hi-tea to make the money tt's paid worth it

I can't ...
- Be yawning out of boredom openly and tearing blatantly
- Smile/frown/laugh aloud at the laptop and type loudly on the keyboard
- Have 2 hours allowance to get ready to leave home and yet still be late, becos I HAD to pluck out the wisp of white hair I spotted
- Continue my experiments with naps and permutations with variables like frequency and duration of naps . The likes of having 2 short naps on a day and one long one on another...
- Retreat into my cocoon and shut off the rest of the world as and when I please/ feel like being alone

I shouldn't expect anymore of ...
The extravagance of having time and freedom on hand
The lavish splurge of months, days and hours away
The procrastination
The sloth

There would be no more of...
Concession for my inexperience
Sympathies for my problems and plight
Tolerance towards my self-indulgence and outbursts
Patience for my incompetence
Forgiveness for my mistakes

It's time...
To trade in the carefree, lazy lifestyle

Work is beckoning.

It's tough. It's fearful.
And yet, He only asks that I...
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
God, I need you. Every step of the way.

Crime and Punishment

2005-09-13T11:06:00.000+08:00

I paid my dues
For stealing a piece of mooncake sample
When the promoter had her back against me.

How was I to know that it's quite a distance b/w the box of samples and me
It sure didn't look that way when others shove large chunks into their mouths and walked away unscathed
How was I to anticipate how flimsy the toothpick was such that the chunky piece got reduced to a bitesize one when it finally reached my mouth
How am I to envision that the auntie would do a flick with agility that can beat any gongfu master, with such perfect timing
To catch me tuck that tiny silver of mooncake in my mouth
So small I couldn't even taste wat flavour it was

Still, a theft's a theft
And I stood there meekly expecting my punishment
As she launched into a string of thick Cantonese accented Mandarin

A quick glance and assessment of me, and she recommended me the pumpkin, mixed nuts mooncakes to improve my complexion- there, there and there. See how meticulous she is, she even used her finger to point out those spots in question.

Sensing how unconvinced I was, she quipped and reiterated 3 times, that it was good for pple who needs to go on diet (a.k.a fat, a.k.a me)

Thanks auntie, thanks very much.

Seeing that I still haven't moved to take out the wallet, she goes on to wax lyrical about the box- very pretty, very presentable. Yeah. That, i gotta agree with her.

Mooncakes are very versatile. And it's very exquisite if packaged nicely in the boxes.
Can be used as gifts to parents, in-laws or, or, as wedding gifts.
Don't wait anymore, u already old enuff. Marriageable age. (= not young anymore= old)
She flashes me a brilliant smile.
Shoves me the pamphlets
Can discuss with your boyfriend and give me a call- discounts and free delivery for 20 boxes and above.

The government's call to hire middle-aged employees for their experience and wisdom really works. See how pro-active/pro-family they are? And how earnest and creative?

At the end of 12 mins, (when L finally decides to get off the phone and rescue me),
I was pricked with guilt, filled with regret for stealing
The emotional torment without her even uttering a single word of admonishment or raising her voice
When all she did was to shower, ahem, warm advice and concern
How lethal
How effective
The sly innuendo

I've realise my mistake.
I will never again steal mooncake samples. Never.

Not a Tai-Tai

2005-09-10T00:21:00.000+08:00

A tai-tai: Someone who hasn’t washed her hair herself since she was 13.
(Urban, ST, 08/09/05)

No doubt I, like a tai-tai, have much free time on my hand (at least for the past 3 months)

But that, sadly, is the only luxury I have in common with them. The association stops there and then.

Differences are aplenty.

1) Not updating the blog may not have a correlation with being as busy, happening or action packed as a tai-tai.
It may just mean one was slogging it out and clocking OT on an MSN/phone internship which roles and responsibilities include:

Deciphering tricky relationship problems
Fielding inquisitive questions of my current status and personal affairs
Listening to frens’ troubles, insecurities, doubts and woes
Music/Photo ~~sharing~~ appreciation sessions.
Partaking in a compulsory, high level module called GOSSIP where you are not suppose to take away what you’ve learnt(heard). It’s an art that needs much time to cultivate and learn. Serious.

2) Meeting up with friends for lunch/dinner/shopping/ KTV isn’t as glamorous as you’d imagine it to be. Yes, we do flash cards too. But the trump card in question is the matriculation card- in a bid to qualify for student discounts. Not Gold or Prestige card of tai-taidom.

3) Tai-tais meet and catch up with friends in style by sponsoring gala events and throwing cocktail parties, not indulging in cheap thrills like refreshing frens’ blogs incessantly, hoping for updates

4) Social butterflies eloquently furnish poised and interesting accounts of their day spiced with dramatic plot twists, humourous words and colourful personalities. They don’t dread, get stumped and mutter lame, mundane answers for a simple question like ‘what have you been doing today?’

5) And, the deciding factor that strikes me off tai-taihood:

I just washed my hair. Myself(Bleah). Using a non-salon brand shampoo(Double bleahs). Then being the wannabe, attempted to compensate/cover up by putting on a salon leave-in conditioner. (Triple bleahs)

So all of you out there, who have been calling me a socialite/ tai-tai. You would better stop. Before the real tai-tai hears it, snorts and scratches you for tarnishing her pristine image- with her perfectly manicured, won't-get-chipped cos don't-need-to- shampoo-hair nails. I won't be able to help.

Not a tai-tai, can't do the catfight.

The Sound of Music...

2005-09-03T05:19:00.000+08:00

I like it when I hear my favourite songs on radio
Balming out those noisy and jarring music
Giving instant relief to the DJs incessant coo-ing
The refreshing breather, the welcomed change
A pleasant surprise
In the pre-dawn & post-midnight darkness and quiet

From the beginning when the prelude begins and familiarity hits
To the end when the coda calms
The sentiments flow, the emotions surge

Triggering those poignant stories and memories of the past
Conjuring images of the future
Pouring forth the words and feelings I have held back and stashed away
Recalling the chronicles with snippets and shadows of our lives

My songs- whose company chides, comforts, taunts and assures

Melancholic lyrics and soulful melodies
Witty lyrics and catchy tunes

Songs that make me sob a little and smile a little
That motivate me to run a little faster
Yet pull me back to linger a little longer
Songs that make me contemplate a little and enthuse a little
That strike a chord and tug the heart
Reviving the memories that aches a little and soothes a little

"When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad"
~ My Favourite Things, Sound of Music

True friends

2005-08-29T21:39:00.000+08:00

It's so simple and easy, for friends to

1) Coo and drool, smile and laugh along with you
2) Be easy-going, fun-loving and celebrate the happy moments with you
3) Be unquestioning and uncritical, and lavish you with those sugarcoated, complimentary replies that are pleasant to the ears, boost the ego and gain brownie pts for themselves

But there are a few others, whom, despite the risk of

- Being regarded as a wet blanket/party dampener

- Being misunderstood, blamed, forsaken by you

- Incurring the wrath of you, or the person(s) in question;

Choose to:

1) Burst your bubble and raise pertinent problems you are evading, point out your flaws and where you've gone wrong

2) Give you their honest, even if harsh opinions of you/somebody/something and challenge those lame excuses and rationalizations of yours

3) Issue stern admonishments and warnings to knock some senses into you and to cut short your agony
4) Do away with those flattery to voice those valid concerns, disapproval and objections in the way you behaved/handled something so that you don't make a further fool of yourself

It's not a glamourous role nor is it rewarding. More often than not, the good intentions may fall on deaf ears and obstinate ways.

Here, a belated thanks ( also thanks in advance) to all who have, at one point or another say what I may not expect to hear, not want to hear but absolutely need to hear. Thank you for your big-heartedness to wake me up from those reveries, to correct those faults, right those mistakes and let go/move on. It's really appreciated:).

Kindness doesn't pay

2005-08-25T01:54:00.000+08:00

I saw the thick wads of surveys those interviewers were laden under
I saw how they are snubbed and shunned by others curtly
I saw the looks of disappointment and rejection in their eyes
And I decided to help them out this once
So instead of accelerating and using my bags and acquisitions (hee:P) to shield me from them like I usually do
I slowed down and agreed to be surveyed

Interviewer: Thank you , m'dam for your time.
Me: Was a tad bristled by the overzealous 'm'dam' greeting from the auntie but i let it pass and dutifully furnished her with some personal particulars

Interviewer: And you are 25 rite?
Me: Shakes head. Yay! Too young-->Underaged--> That's me:P.
Hee, havent had that for a long time. A gleeful smile appears subconsciously.

Interviewer: Not 25? She peered up and raised her eyebrows quizzically. She runs a check on me and emphatically gestured with her fingers. Two- Five.

Did I look as if I dun understand simple Chinese?
And 25 yrs is abt 700 days off-mark. Ok fine, perhaps I'm too sensitive. But hey, using what we've learnt in sch, +/- 5% , it's still highly significant!!
Miffed, I started to walk away, ticking myself off for being so helpful.

And then i heard her pattering footsteps behind me.
'Excuse me, excuse me. U are 26? 27? 28? Still can do the survey.'

Her shrill voice pierced through from one end of Taka where she was standing to the other end where I was.

Right...
Kindness doesn't pay...sometimes.

Not anymore...

2005-08-23T01:26:00.000+08:00

Though CDs of adored singers can be bought
Though iPod can play and replay those favourite songs over and over again
I still love the radio
For the magic it weaves when a favourite tune is spinned, a favourite song is played.

While I can't decide on the playlist, stop the irritating commercials , or know what song is going to be played next, this unknown also creates an anticipation that heightens the enjoyment of the song when it's finally played. A jolt of delight and an appreciation of the song that hearing a song from a personalised playlist can't replicate.

Back in pri and sec sch days, there were no radio websites to display the songs being played. The happiness of hearing a nice song is very often accompanied by the agony of not catching the song title and not knowing wat song it is. What typically follows would be days of waiting, much hoping, some exasperation and a little guessing till the song is played on air again.
Today, a click on the radio website will tell of the song being played. And lyrics and mp3s are plentiful so that the song once discovered , can be downloaded and saved, looped and played repeatedly.

But the waiting makes hearing the song so much sweeter and relished, back then. The rush to grab a paper and pen. To jot down the lyrics as fast as possible. To retain as much of the melody as the brain can hold and the incessant humming after that to remember and memorise the song.

I miss that feeling.
In these days of instant gratification and excesses.

Where movies are most of the time, last minute affairs dulling the anticipation/elaborate planning and booking of tickets that used to be
Where one keeps dishing out rewards onto onself that they don't inspire nor empower like before
Where sales are so commonplace they fail to excite anymore

As i watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory days ago, I wondered if chocolate would still taste as precious and heavenly to Charlie after that golden ticket that can now convert those rationed nibbles on the chocolates to indulgent munching and gorging...

Mind Game Decoded

2005-08-18T03:07:00.000+08:00

THE MIND GAME

Age group: All, especially noticeable in people stepping into adulthood

How to Play: Encrypting feelings and thoughts into politically correct/neutral/pleasant statements and comments

We hide, we mask, we fake, we conceal.
Sometimes consciously, other times unconsciously.
At times enjoyable, at times burdensome,
Still, we view it as something that is part and parcel of life.
Like it or grudge it, we continue to play along.
For the fear of offending, for the hope of pleasing.
To avoid rejection, to win acceptance
To fend off embarrassment and awkwardness, to acquire stylishness and slickness

Levels:

1) Novice
What begins as a gesture of humility as has been grounded in us:
To be humble, not to be pompous
To be thoughtful, not to be self-centered
To be easy going, not to be difficult
Slowly evolves from self-deprecating remarks to diplomacy
Hypocrisy slips in unnoticed
Insincerity leaves its insidious marks .

2) Intermediate
From trying to please and soothe with the 'I'm okay', I'm fine', ' I don't mind' even when one clearly isn't
To the mechanic dispensing of 'so sorry', 'doesn't matter' ,' it's alright' , 'i feel bad'
The suppression of temper, weariness and jadedness in those 'maybe', 'perhaps' and 'we'll see how it goes'
To working on squeezing out that smile- 'you're faking a smile with the coffee to go' (Daniel Powter, Bad Day)

3) Master
Feelings are muted and the mind is numbed
Others are confused as to who we are
We too are unclear of who we have become, what we want

We think we are being nice and considerate, but are taken for granted and taken advantage of
Others getting the vibes from our answers and smiles, are miffed and lost as to what went wrong and what they did wrongly

The 'hi-s' are many but the 'byes' are even more
What we want, we don't say.
What we don't want, we pretend we want
What starts out as sensitivity towards others, ends up as hurt for self and others

We want to win others over but lose ourselves
We hope to appease and placate, but end up aggravating
We seek to be understood but skirt over awkward moments by teasing and jibing
We want to help but realise how little we know of others
We have fun but can't share the tears
We are good friends but also strangers

To quit:

It's not simple- not at all.
When playing the game has become an automatic reflex.
When fingers churn out those diplomatic phrases on MSNs, SMSes and blogs
When all the 'fine' and 'alright' spring up from our mouths, without the need to think.
We can sigh...but we can also try.
To make things a little less complex, a little simpler.

Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,', 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. ~Matthew 5:37

Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No," no, or you will be condemned
~James 5:12

He'll Stand By You

2005-08-16T01:10:00.000+08:00

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-24

When no words spoken can console
When no amount of questioning can provide answers
When tissues can't stop those tears
When shutting the eyes don't chase away the pain

L dear, He would be there.
To calm and to soothe
To lift you up from the rocks
To wipe away those tears
To keep you safe
Every step of the way

How Long Would You Wait

2005-08-13T06:21:00.000+08:00

A new wave of personality test fever seems to have hit town recently though the accuracy of those tests still leaves much to be desired. Forget OKcupid. Forget the Coffee test. Here's presenting the test of the season:

How Long Would You Wait?

You have a direct bus, A and four other bus services, B,C,D and E where you'd need to change buses to get to your destination. Route taken by all 5 buses are similar.

You take a relaxed stroll to the bus stop.

You wait for 5 minutes. Buses B, C and E have passed. The direct bus, A should be here soon, since the whole horde of buses usually come all at once.

Would you:
1) Hop on to Bus B-E and let the matter rest there and then, reaching your destination happily.
2) Hop on to Bus B-E, keep peering back and hoping you won't see direct bus A, lumbering behind within your viewing distance, or worst still, overtake the Bus B- E that you are on.
3) Wait for Bus A to come.

If you choose option 3, read on, for this is how the scenario may unfold.

Another 5 minutes passed. Bus A is nowhere in sight. Should you hop on buses B to E that seems to be coming in streams every minute. You've seen the third C passed in 10 mins. Nah...direct bus SHOULD be coming alrdy, after so long.

Another 10 minutes passed. In between, the 4 indirect buses have already made a total appearance of 24 times, 5 to 6 times each, on average.You are running late. Another bus D comes by. Should you just hop on? You hesistantly flagged the bus but before it stops, *hold on* you've waited so long for bus A. It SURELY must be coming. You surely don't want to see Bus A peering through the rear window of bus D once you tap that EZ link card upon boarding Bus D, leaving you hopping mad. You slowly withdraw the hand that flagged bus D down and walk away from the spot, hoping that some passengers will get on board so the bus driver won't stare at you as if you are a hard-core prankster.

3 more minutes tick by, someone called to offer you a lift- in 5 minutes. Huh? Yet another 5 minutes,so long? Forget it, u scoffed . Bus A HAS TO COME.

Yet another 3 minutes gone by. And you are still standing at the bus stop.Too embarrassed now to call and ask for the ride after the haughty declination of having to wait 5 minutes. You try to appease yourself.You try to entertain yourself. You try to rack your brain for an excuse to give for turning up so late, how can you admit and tell the truth when the truth is soooooo silly.

Wait a minute. It's finally here. You make up the 2 numbers of bus A in the distance and shove to the front of the bus stop so you can be the first to board the bus. You waved, you flagged, you refused to let that hand come down till the bus stops right in front of you...

But it didn't. It zoomed on- and you see why. The bus was filled to the brim with passengers.

You are left...speechless.

The results:

For whoever skipped right through the entire passage to this part:

You are impatient and not a person of details. Time is of utmost importance to you and so you can't be bothered to read through what seems like a long-winded and irrelevant description you can do without. :P...You are likely to be an achiever because you are very results-oriented and knows how to prioritise and manage your time well (by not reading a boring and long blog like this). However, before you start gloating. Beware that your downfall is cockiness. Cos there are many more, even smarter people who don't even visit this blog.

If you chose:

1) Nonchalant and carefree. You look at the big picture most of the time and don't let trivial matters get to you and hold you back. You are flexible and easygoing and usually well-liked by all.
The downside is that people may misunderstand you and think that you don't care or value something/someone/ a relationship very much because you won't go too far/wait too long for getting the things you want.

2) Pragmatic and rule-oriented. You want to get the most out of watever you do. The value- for- money/ efforts mentality. You weigh the pros and cons and do cost-benefit analysis to get the most optimal way to do things - and you act accordingly to what is prescribed . Whether you truly feel that it is the right way to do things is another issue. You are willing/able to suppress your personal feelings and views to get to the goal. However, you lack confidence and belief in yourself, and so, even as you execute the plan, you need constant assurance that what you are doing is right, and you hate to be proven wrong.

3) Stubborn, obstinate and foolish. You embark/start off brilliantly. You are patient. You are determined. You are focused. But after some time, the patience deterioriates into stubborness. You know its not right. You know you should turn back before it gets too late. But pride gets at you. You appreciate/treasure/value something/someone more than you would like to. Beneath that strong exterior, your sentimentality rules. You hope that things would right itself- if you wait long enough. And during that time, you are blinded and let opportunities/people pass you by. But you can't let go. You keep harping on certain matters/ things/people. You don't want to admit defeat. You don't want to bow down. It's hard to start over again and how could you forsake that belief/thing/ person? So you choose to cling on.

Copyright: Cranberrymist Aug 05
Are you happy with your results? Share this with your friends by sending them this link cranberrymist.blogspot.com. All comments are also welcomed.

Days of Our Life

2005-08-07T22:44:00.001+08:00

There are good days when:

No one can dash the top-of-the-world feeling
You can't wipe that grin off the face
You feel light, with a skip in those steps despite feasting on delicious cakes heavily laden with butter and creamy cheese
Setbacks are taken in the stride
Follies of the past are forgiven
You bounce back after disappointments with zest and optimistism
You seek solace, find comfort and are firmly anchored in His words and teachings

Then, there are bad days, when:

Everything seems wrong
And you can't pin down what exactly's troubling you
Such that even thick, smooth, rich chocolate don't uplift the mood

A neverending string of woes betide upon you
Problems gnaw and dishearten and self-doubt plagues
Fear creeps in and the past comes back to haunt

You replay and magnify mistakes made and cringe at the ways you handled them
The only words you can manage are bleahs , blahs and the :S icon on MSN
Weariness, jadedness and pessimism sap the energy
Listlessness set in, melancholy seeps in
You wish you were a tad more nonchalant letting go of that something/someone

Faith wavers, you falter
Songs and verses fail to console
You realise that it's not that easy to obey and to hand over control

Days in and out
The happy and the sad
The highs and the lows
The ups and the downs
The weaknesses-
Through which the Lord's strength is made perfect.

Oh Lord, help me believe in this today.

Listen to your GP teacher

2005-08-03T07:02:00.000+08:00

Remember what your GP teacher said.
Don't laugh
Don't jeer
Don't nod off
Don't forget the lessons after the 'A's

Cos that's what foolish me did
And I am suffering the consequences now
I DIDN'T WIN THE AUTOGRAPHED CORRINE MAY CD !
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

"Read and understand the question carefully. Don't plunge into writing straight away"

DJ: And now is the chance for you to win Corrinne May's autographed CD. Send ur sms with Love, ur name, IC, and the reasons...

With my rapid fingerskills,
I punched in my name, IC and the reason: The perfect CD that teaches, encourages, touches, heals and inspires. Songs for every season in time.
Sent the message off
Hmmz, for once, I am quite satisfied with my answers. Think, I may stand a fighting chance.

DJ: and the reasons why you deserve to win her CD!

Lesson #1: Out of Point. Nothing else matters.

"Write simply. Just state what's necessary. Don't be superfluous. There's no need for flowery language"

DJ: Congratulations goes to the first winner and his reason is, I can't sleep without listening to her songs

Lesson #2:

I can't sleep without listening to her songs -->2 verbs
The perfect CD that teaches, encourages, touches, heals and inspires.--> 5 verbs

Who won? Enuff said.

"Write in the shoes of your marker- they go thru thousands of scripts. Try to understand how they think to impress"

DJ: The 2nd winner is XXX and she says she deserves to win because, corrinne may's songs put tears in her eyes. Awww...this CD is for you, honey....

Lesson learnt: Haiz....There were sooo many clues when she was interviewing Corrinne May. She said Corrinne May's songs made her cry, melted her heart. And after all, she's hosting...Love Songs. Sharks!

Yes, GP teacher.
I am sorry for blaming my lousy GP grades on your tyrannical teaching style, your insistence on fontsize 12, times new roman writing with 2 fingers spacing for each paragraph and your mood swings.
Sorry for boring you so much you always nod off in class.
Sorry for misleading you into misunderstanding our meekness and silence as cockiness
Sorry to have stared at the window longingly when you were teaching us gerunds and indirect speech unlike other teachers bringing them thru current issues and lively debates.

The least i could do now, is to do corrections(in green of course- i didn't forget that was the designated corrections colour for those long essays).

Why I deserve Corrinne May's CD:

1. She made me believe in Love once again

2. Her songs introduced me to Class 95FM and I can't stop loving it now!

3. Her songs soothe me like hot cocoa on a rainy day

More reasons here

Which Singaporean Blogger Are You?

2005-08-01T22:14:00.000+08:00

Ok,yes, I admit...this is how bored I've become or RATHER, I'm very *ahem* kindly trying to accomodate feedback from my readers who's telling me to post more photos and write simpler stuff. So there, you'll have it. A babelicious photo (if only it was mine...) and simple to understand sentences.

For once, I kinda fancy the description given the very first time I try the test. No need for tries after tries, no need to devise my own to yield more accurate results:). Not bad. I like... And yeah, another blog I can read.Muahhh.

2005-08-01T21:18:00.000+08:00

Congratulations Cranberrymist, you are...

Scarlett Ting of joewei.blogspot.com

You are independent, smart and beautiful. Its too bad you don't see that yourself because life's little difficulties brought down a lot of your self confidence. As a result, you talk cryptic and you don't trust people easily. You care a lot for your friends and your loved ones, sometimes even more than you care for yourself, although they don't always seem to appreciate it. Don't let that affect you. As the saying goes, you don't miss the water till the well runs dry. So hang in there, you're a star in the making.

Which Singaporean Blogger Are You?

Commencement 2005

2005-07-25T06:54:00.000+08:00

We were kids once more...

The high-pitched squeals
The excited chatter
The warm hugs
The wacky poses
The lines that were impossible to form and keep straight

On this big day,
That marks the end of a chapter and the beginning of another.

As frens spewed many a congratulatory smses
And fellow classmates helped fuss over the motarboard to sit it firmly on the head
As Mum affectionately chided, for cutting the hair soo short
Ah, the tables have turned...from those days I launched cold wars and sulked for days as protest for having the hair snipped too short
And Dad, always wanting to cut a stern figure, attempts an admonishment- on responsibility and punctuality- one tt's well-deserved, for pulling off an SMU-characteristic last minute rush and arriving later than the guests did.

For the poses struck and the camera flashes all round...

The manual camera has been replaced with the digital camera
The braces have given way to neat, pearlie white teeth
The bushy eyebrows plucked and shaped to perfect arcs
Only those eyebags betrayed the age

In that Kodak moment,

The differences in opinions were put aside
Th unhappiness was forgotten
The carelessness was condoned
The lateness was forgiven
As all participate in easy banter and mock jibes
In the celebratory air of the joyous occassion
In the trust and familiarity that's been built up over the 4 years

Tomorrow...

The big bad working world beckons
With deadlines, quotas and expectations
Of responsible adults and diligent workers
Of delivering profits and generating wealth
A dose of wariness once more
A tad of diplomacy put up
As the assimilation into the a new environment starts
For the cut-throat climb up the corporate ladder

May I remember and act upon,
The simple but precious message during kindergarten graduation
That I was reminded of during service again
To trust and obey in Him
For He will never fail me

To Blogger, With Love

2005-07-18T07:28:00.000+08:00

Dear Blogger,

Don't try too hard to recall who I am. You won't know me. I know quite a bit about you though- your frens, your foes, your ups, your downs, your fears, your joys, your failures and triumphs. Even your supper and the booze.

Below is my confession and aplogies, whom I hope you will accept. For all the misdeeds, I seek your magnanimity and forgiveness.

Of how deplorable I was,
To click on those links without permission
To go through the labyrinth of nicknames
To get hold of your blog address;

While you,
Exemplified how much discipline and respect you have for others
By not trespassing on my blog
Even when my blog address was so blatantly obvious from my nick
Sorry

For how wronged and maligned you must feel,
Of the accusations flying around on your blog
Of wannabe whistle-blowers demanding how sitecounter readings can register such a big leap in numbers but not in the number of comments.
Of how F5 was widely suspected to be the key culprit behind those magnificent sitemeter numbers
Pardon me, for being in the passive lurker

For staying awake into the wee hours of the morning,
Just to upload pictures of refreshing drinks and describing the hi-life of clubbing, pubbing and partying to share with readers ;

While I hit the sack
Right after going for Breadtalk's 5th birthday celebrations
Without alerting my readers
Selfishly leaving all traces of the oil soaked, butter-glistening breads in, and only in the stomach
My ap0logies

For your thoughtfulness,
Posting entries only at the end of the day
So that readers can read in the comfort of their home;

While I inconsiderately post mine,
During the first break of dawn
So that they get caught, when sneakily reading it in the office
Pls forgive

Of how you tried to make your posts inspiring, happy and positive
Only to incur the wrath, nasty and hurtful emails of those telling you to stop acting cute;

While all I do is whine, lament, and complain in my blog
To receive the thank you notes and comments that I am so understanding and have expressed what they felt
I am ashamed

For the privacy that you sacrificed, so that readers get a glimpse of your thoughts, life and frens
Only to get snubbed as an attention seeker and have your secrets pried open by strangers;

While the cowardice in me twist and turn fables and fairy tales, concoct long stories to mask my real life stories
And get away with praises of having devised challenging brain teasers
I am embarrassed

Of how you have considered blogicide to end the pain
But still get no rest and peace
With volumes of rowdy readers and strangers galvanised to overturn the decison
Making nuisance comments
Demanding you make a comeback to give them more entertainment
Generating thousands of hits on your site counter;

Whereas, I, who have threatened to stop blogging many a times
Hardly receive a whimper of protest
Indicating the respect that I command
Silence, which means respect and consent
Terribly sorry

You so dun deserve this.
When all you've done is to help us kill time, save money that otherwise had to be spent on movie fee hikes, provide entertainment, fodder for gossips and ice breakers in awkward times.

I only hope the stakes would turn.

Your faithful blog lurker,
Cranberrymist

Better off...

2005-07-11T22:27:00.000+08:00

Was reminded of a story tt feels vaguely familiar, a story tt due to memory lapses, is probably a merger of a few tales, a story tt has, in some parts, been filled with real tales where the storyline can't be recalled, as it gets retold from generation to generation.

That of a bird, who fell from a tree and injured its wing. Who was thankfully saved by a couple. The couple gave the bird the best care. Housed it in a comfortable and spacious cage. Fed and nursed it back to health.

However, the bird, no matter how grateful of the care lavished on it, longed to return back to the sky. However happy it felt, there was a tug deep within it to go back to where it belonged.

The couple were distraught and perturbed- they couldn't comprehend why. The skies were so unsafe, so fraught with dangers. Predators loomed , harsh weathers were often. All is well in your cage. There's no need to worry about food nor shelter. You are safe.

For the goodness and kindness the couple showed, the care, concern and attention that have been lavished on the it, the bird tried hard to get used to the sheltered life. But it couldn't, it felt miserable, lifeless, limp. It wanted to show how grateful it was, but it simply can't garner the strength or spirit to do it.

One day, it heard the unclicking of the latch. It was free...its wings ,stimulated by the wind, gathered strength that very moment , and with a flap, it flew off. Back to the skies, back to where it came from, into the arms of its natural home.

While younger days would have me rooting for the couple and slamming the bird for its ingratitude, today, i grasped a new perspective to this story. Today, I judged less, attributed less blame to the bird and adopted more understanding.

Perhaps, at times, things are best left in their natural states. The couple aren't the bird and vice versa, and as strong as their bond may be for one another, they can't go beneath the skin to truly, and fully comprehend the feelings and the inner world of the other party. All set out with good intentions and desires, but that alone, may not be able to see them through till the end of the mission/goal due to conflicting perceptions, values and beliefs.

Hawker centres were once a fodder of such discussions. The food, so tantalising and uniquely prepared, stand a chance of being pitted against world class cuisine. If only, hawker centres were not that stuffy, the place could be more trendy, the hawkers can be cleaner...

So the action began, with upgrades, revamp, renovations, hygiene grading system, even education for hawkers to be more hygenic, serve healthier food, be more tourist friendly.
But the hawkers were stifled under the new regime, they couldn't show their flair. They felt miserable. They felt suppressed. The people who had made it happen, on the other hand, felt miffed and exasperated- for what did they do wrong? All these, were for the ultimate good of the hawkers, who are likely get more business, earn more income.
But though customers have to sweat it out no more, somehow, the food just didn't taste as good as before. The essence of it was lost.

Nothing's perfect but,perhaps, there is no need for anxiety, pity, overbearing concern or helpful interference because people and creatures have been endowned with characteristics/qualities necessary for their own survival and for them to thrive. It's a fine line between being at peace and being resigned/apathetic. And saying things like 'things are meant to be' seems to be taking the easy way out. But while the short term may see many peaks and troughs, in the long run, things even out. It can be called leaving it to nature, letting nature take its course, or for me, entrusting things into His hands that one day, as far as the day may be, as difficult as it may be to visualize how things can ever turn out fine, as impossible as it is- it one day would, if only I trust and keep my faith in Him.

And I hope,

The bird , happy in the blue skies, would occassionally take a flight back to catch a glimpse of the couple who gave it back its life

Europe Trip 2005 - In Review

2005-07-08T07:14:00.000+08:00

It's funny how feelings are. How fickle they can be.

In the time I was away...
As much as I took in the sights, people and culture
As much as I indulge in those fluffy, creamy, caramel-oozing, delicious pastries and tarts
As much as I laughed and giggled, unwound and relax

A part of me kept longing to come home, to the:

Comforts and convenience of home
Animated voices of friends who are just a phone call away
Privacy of my own room and space
Happening blogs to keep up with the updates in their lives
Soothing voices and songs on Class 95
MSN for the juicy gossips and lively chats
Spicy aroma and affordability of the local dishes
Solitude and time alone on my morning jogs

But now that I am back...

I am missing the:

Elation on our (and only our) faces that we tried so hard to conceal when the flight was delayed. Totally smothered by the free international buffet breakfast, and the lasagne and mutton curry supper
Detection and confrontation with the Italian ticket officer who attempted to shortchange 5 seemingly innocent and blur gals in foreign land. Wrong move, officer. We learnt our AT on Parmalat well enough to be cautious in Parmalat land.
Human looping system, where conversations are repeated over and over again, so that preoccupied cameragal can be filled in as to what the rest were discussing about
Drama and spontaneous scriptwriting course on the roads, content covered included innovative elements like interpretation of foreign language and expressions, subsequent weaving and translation to a timeless Mandarin script, featuring princess, jealous gf and a chauvinist bf
Race to be the fastest and cleanest gelato/ice cream eater and the jibes and jeers the dirtiest gelato eater had to take. Alas, sadly though, I think she has removed the evidence by sending her bag for dry cleaning:P
Blending into tour groups to leech on the tour guides to hear the history and the significance behind the many paintings, monuments, musuems and buildings
Shrill whistle blow and strong gust of wind that threatens to blow one away when the train shuttles past
The signature, crestfallen 'huh' expression when we met with incredibly unreasonable people and dingy quarters
So Singaporean trait of apartment viewing and my, the steps we climbed. A breath of fresh air and home- cooked pasta never felt/tasted better
So construction worker trait of hanging our clothes on twine to air and dry in our squatters and incurring the wrath and disgust of the poor cleaner
Finding out the hard way the genuinity of a LV bag -through a stab of pain and a large blue black after getting hit by one
Excited passing of the 'baton' aka. a hot baguette around to share the freshness and the crispness of the crust tt oozes from the baguette. And how can the nicely wrapped eclairs and meringue tarts be forgotten?
Savouring of pate and nissin cup noodles- our delicacy dishes- to make up for the days of meals with only bread dipped in olive oil
Straying gazes from Gaudi architecture to furious shots to remember the Zara we din get a chance to go into
Gulping down of a whole bottle of water instead of sips from the water fountain that is said to bring one back to Barcelona. Doubled assurance that we'll be back with a vengeance to complete the shopping that couldn't be done cos of the holiday
Bedtime peppered with one liner lullabies from the magnanimous gal who volunteers to be the last to bathe ... Somewhere over the Rainbow, Luck be your lady tonight....Zzzzzzz
Search for a Whittard tea shop , for the many free doses of diff flavoured tea, hot and cold - to meet our daily water intake, but ending up having to pay for pricey toilet visit after
Exhilaration of being given a Krispy Kreme doughnut to try for free when queueing up to buy one. Wonderful marketing.
Spilitting up to do individual shopping at Harrods to find everyone with brimming baskets in where else but the food hall.
Supermarcardo search in every city and the overstaying -in every single one of them
Slapping of body butter on every part of our body, hair included. Almost did that to our bread, din we?:P
Rustling/Crinkling symphony of plastic, ziploc and paper bags
Motion sleepiness whenever we step on any transport- leaving us with no time to participate in some dramatic episodes like nitpickings, quarrels and catfights

Most of all, I miss the poking and shaking each morning when giving you'll the wake-up calls:)

A backpacking trip like this, the simple life as we aptly coined it, I don't think I would ever embark on again. Once is enough. But what was felt, shared and learnt would stay with me for a long time and put a smile on my face when I see something that triggers the memory. Stairs. Tartar sauce. Pigeons:)

The richest lesson learnt- especially in tiring and draining times- is to know that my Lord is always there to lend a listening ear. To carry me through. To anchor me. To shower His blessings and protection upon me, to keep me safe. To straighten out vexing time schedules of connecting trains and flights. To bestow calmness and peace upon me as i figured out how to operate the toilet lock that refused to open. Thank you Lord for your protection and love!

It has been an amazing journey- but much of the fondness comes only on hindsight. Not when it is still ongoing, more likely when it's converted to memories. Experiences like these require time to digest and appreciate.There will be times of reluctance and dread, when one is in the thick of the action, but perservere, and endure through it, and the snugness of those sweet memories would be exclusively yours to keep and store. I'm glad I have been through it.

This is for you, big picture gal, one day, someday, I KNOW you would grow to love what you are doing and have the sense of belonging to your 'office'. All it needs is time to get used to the rhythms and a mind that is focused on Him to carry you through.

To readers who are not i) my travel mates ii) 'big picture' gal and have read to this point. Whoa! Either you'll are very 1) kaypoh:P - the long list above wld prob have bored you'll to tears with its irrelevance or 2) kind - to listen to my ramblings. Whatever it is, that's a lot of stamina! My way of saying thanks to all the SMS, email and comments of concern and encouragement during the trip. *heehee* Do drop me a comment for more rewards ;)

Let me assure you'll though, that this is the one and only time your reading power would be put under test. This would be my only entry on the trip. Besides, most of the time 1)Was too tired to document my thoughts 2) too lazy to copy from the only dilligent journal writer on the trip as to what's been happening every single day.

Hopefully, my painstaking entry here would have cured all my frens out there, who seems to be travelling all over the world on grad trips, business trips and what nots, of their jetlag and those in Singapore- of their work/internship fatigue and insomnia:)

Winners and Losers

2005-07-07T11:01:00.000+08:00

So...London had the last laugh and won the Olympics bid for 2012.

While elation, celebration and jubilation filled the air in the British camp, the atmosphere couldn't be more starkly contrasted over at the French side- one of gloomy silence and painful defeat.

Much as I had hoped London would win , for its vibrancy, diversity and splendour, sympathies goes to the Parisians. The sense and dismay of loss is not an unfamiliar one.

Winning and losing.
One of the most common, recurrent themes in life.
In sporting events, screen awards, reality shows like American Idol
On a more personal level: in academic developments, relationships and job progressions.

No one likes to lose. To be defeated.
After all the investments and efforts that have been devoted to the cause.
After all the speculation that one will 'win'. By default. Just because one is the forerunner.
After all hopes and votes of confidence are pinned on one. Especially after being the hot favourite.
The stress of living up to it all.
The pressure that has to be handled.
The expectations to be fulfilled.

Yet, everyone who is not personally involved or emotionally invested in the game, silently favours the idea of a dark horse. The idea of a pleasant surprise- is a welcoming idea.So long as one is a bystander, it's an exciting show. The jolt of thrill in an otherwise boring awards presentation. The twist in the plot. The drama. The shocked disbelief on the winner's face and brave smile that the losers' have to force upon him/herself

It's tough to accept defeat/rejection, even when the limelight evades and the initial frenzy subsides

The feelings of having let down supporters
The shattered confidence
The gloom and doom
The many questions that probably won't be answered- of what one did wrongly? The if onlys.
It's hard to swallow the pride.
Much easier to just slump into dejectedness. Give up. Not compete again. Wallow in self-pity

Nobody likes to concede defeat. But yet, in any situation, there can be many losers but only one 'winner'. The odds are so much higher that one would be a 'loser'- not just once, but many times in life. Afterall, the probability that it would occur is higher. So shouldn't more effort be put into arming oneself with the skills and attitude to manage failures, to emerge stronger?

It's cliche but truly, personal experiences and that of many friends around have proved true-
That time would wash away what feels like the humiliation and embarrassment associated with defeat.
That the time taken to reflect, pray and improve are much more rewarding
The humbleness in defeat will do one much good in keeping one level-headed and gracious.

Life don't unravel itself in one straight track- winners may not necessarily attain the best nor do losers get stuck with the worst loots.

And...when victory finally comes- nope, it won't come soon, it won't come easy, but when it finally does...it would be so much sweeter having been accustomed to the bitter taste of defeat.

P.S: This is for you, E, 'textbooky' as it may sound. For myself too, as a reminder. Dun be disheartened and will be praying for you.

Not JetLag, It's Food and Shoplag

2005-07-03T23:24:00.000+08:00

Except for a few yawns and nods the past few days, haven't been suffering from much of a jetlag...not yet maybe.

But...it has only been 3 days, 1 weekend, since I touched down and I have:

Swiped the card 4 times
Bought 9 tops
Wiped out the food counters of Crystal Jade, Bengawan Solo, Din Tai Fung, Lemongrass, Cedele, Ichiban Boshi and (embarrassingly) even Subway which were a dime a dozen in Europe.

And since the Great Singapore Sale is still on, the temptation of entering a MNG and Zara lingers irrestibly
In the food arena, the likes of Blu Jaz Cafe, Purvis Street Hock Lam Beef Noodle, Pete's Place, Toast, Prego, N.E.W.T, Chinatown are beckoning at me

After having to multiply prices by 2 or 3 times for the past month, after being blown away by the outrageous price of a diminutive looking samosa, after being denied shopping at Zara and El Corte because of a holiday, having witnessed a pandan cake that cost an outrageous 18 Sing Dollar... all have broken loose and everything here in Singapore feels cheap and good.

I gotta go on a diet tomorrow. I gotta live like a pauper! Pls frens, help by imposing the restraining order on me!

P.S: For those interested, some photos are up for viewing.
Most of the photos follow the formula, n=1 or n-1 persons, n being the number of pple on the trip. We were at all times cautious of pple snatching away the camera so 99% of our photos were take-it-ourselves photos.

Official camera: Canon Powershot 95A for its widely acknowledged superior photo taking quality unlike mine. Not to mention the greedy owner who borrowed one too many memory cards:P

Btw, I hereby declare official place for trip narration to be Blu Jaz Cafe. After a mth of lugging 20+ kg of stuff, the laptop is too heavy to be lugged ard for photo viewing except at abovementioned spot:)

I am Home...

2005-06-30T19:21:00.000+08:00

To be able to step into the shower barefooted
With no need to worry about forgetting my toiletries
To enjoy a warm and long shower with steady water pressure and temperature

To be able to slump in bed after a tiring day
And tuck my face into the pillow
Without the bugging concerns of dirty bedsheets and sinking mattress

To be able to gulp down water
As and when I feel like it
With no worries about water availability, visits to toilets and holidays

I had my experience of a lifetime
My gelato
My bread
My fun
My learning
My travel mates
My frens
My family
My God

And now...
I am so glad
I am finally home

First...

2005-06-05T22:10:00.000+08:00

The first photo is always the best

This,
Learnt and reinforced
Tries after tries
Time after time
Year after year
Shoot after shoot
Pose after pose

Under the queen of self-service phototaking, best fren no. 1's relentless tutelage:)

Say FIRST and adjectives like fresh, natural, vivid, new- come to mind.
We all challenge ourselves to slot the car into a parallel parking slot on the first try
To be the first in queue to get the best seat
The first time you experienced a feeling...the episode remains etched in the mind forever after...

In a few hours time, I would be embarking on a journey that would be peppered with many firsts. One that for the longest time seems just like an illusion.

I am feeling like i haven't did for some time:
Excitement intermingled with trepidation, enthusaism coaelscing with lethargy, the burgeoning need and longing of breaking free tinged by a certain guilt of leaving the ties that bind behind, growing expectations that are kept at bay and muted so as to cushion potential disappointment

I thought I would be raving to go, I thought I won't be able to wait for this day. I thought i would be one of those nonchalant pple who jus says bye and not look back.I thought I needed a breather, to get away from all these routines. But somehow, at this point of time, the anticipation seems sweeter and more exciting than the arrival of the day. Because of all the well-wishes, the prayers from friends, and of course the parents who have to pick up the tab for a trip into worry and anxiety land ...just because their daughter wants to go.

But i suppose that would pass, for the adventure is only beginning as a fren appropriately puts it. And my love for bread would be put through the most rigorous of tests what with our budget constraints.

Will miss coming on MSN, reading all your blogs, talking on the phone , going to cafes.
Best fren no. 1 and eponine, please help to promote Blu Jaz so that it would thrive and remain when we're back.

Thanks all for all your smses, well-wishes and lending of stuff. Do drop me a msg when you'll are bored:)

Bye frens!

The Runaway Bride...

2005-05-27T11:01:00.000+08:00

After a marathon courtship with:

- Numerous rounds of introduction, familiarisation and exchanging of particulars
- Innundation of research, recommendations and reviews
- Series of interrogations, performance and situational trials and tests
- Sieving, narrowing down and elimination
- Surveying, haranguing and negotiating;

The day was finally set and announced. Frens heaved louds sighs of relief that the search they were obliged to be involved in for an extremely difficult, indecisive and fussy her was at last over.

The walk down the aisle overwhelmed her with thoughts.

Of having come such a long way;of keeping her high standards albeit much pressure from most to be less picky; of staying firm despite the temptations and promises of better looks and glitzier specifications.

Many times, as difficult and confusing as the situation may seem, as alluring as it was for her to take the easy way out and give in to the various compelling endorsements, she was glad that she still manage to exercise the restraint to pull away, to take into account others' opinions and feedback, not to be swayed by flattering language but to think logically if indeed, it's worth it.
She prided herself for being rational and level headed , adhering to her belief that ample time needs to be devoted to cultivate understanding and knowledge.

She catches a glimpse of her future as she gets nearer to the altar.

There had been differences and dissatisfaction along the way but they have been ironed out. Not the best deal, but oh well, good enough, compatible enough.

BUT SUDDENLY

Out of the corner of her eye, she catches a well-built, stylish silhouette. It was nothing she has seen before or mentioned/raised at any point of time in her circles of friends. The aura of mystery unwound to boast of so much that can be offered to her and yet asked for so little from her in return. A small but burning flame of adventure was unleashed within her, of the possiblities this unknown could give her, of taking a chance for once. In that spilt second, she realised that at heart, she's not only a brand snubber but even more, a country snob. More than she would like to admit to, she's concerned about the baggage/accessories that accompanies something/someone, equally or even more than the something/someone.

So near the finishing line, history repeats itself. As she has done many times before, her defense seems to melt, her decision wavered. She ran and chose... the unknown that she got to know a few hours ago.

What would the journey be from now on?

She too, does not know. At the same time that she feels silly making the decision immediately on the scene, considering and accepting this unknown whilst rejecting so many candidates outright before, she still stubbornly defends and stands by her choice to naysayers. Perhaps its a fondness for this unknown, perhaps its pride, she can't explain it either. Sometimes, a tinge of regret crawls up for choosing uncertainty over the established, other times, she's momentarily consoled by some who have come forward to show their support and their blessings. But ultimately, only time would tell if she has made the right choice and if the choice can capture the moments, share the joys and weather the storms with her after the 1 year honeymoon.

Meanwhile, she tries to listen to well-meaning friends to TRUST HER OWN JUDGEMENT.

To be continued a year later...

Behind the Scenes

2005-05-20T23:58:00.000+08:00

For the occasional smses I sent and calls that I receive on my HP,

Thanks goes to all who have been bearing with the uncertainty and exasperation of me not replying their smses and missing/not answering their calls

For the spontaneity, spirited conversations and wholehearted, quick replies that some have with me on MSN ,
Thanks goes to the many understanding others who I block/appear offline to. Special thanks to those who show their utmost support by probing me to block them so that I can focus on the work on hand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the emotional, diction- perfect rendition of those Mandarin KTV hits
Thanks goes to those who have given me crash course tutorials on the context of the lyrics and dilligently read out the lyrics phrase by phrase during the interludes of the songs

For the melodious 5 minutes suite that I play on the piano
Thanks goes to my family and neighbours for having to bear the brunt of those boring tenacious drills of scales and arpeggios during early morning practise sessions throughout the years

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the fren who witness my zipping speed shopping spree around Orchard,
Thanks goes to frens who accompany me on those laborious, physically demanding sussing out buys cum survey trips where, after numerous tries and fittings, there's STILL no sign or sight of me getting anything at all

For the pretty heels that I bought and wore,
Thanks goes to frens who endure back breaking antics ploughing/searching through heaps of haphazardly stacked shoeboxes to get that perfect pair of shoes for a fussy me

For the camera that I'll be getting someday soon,
Thanks goes to:
1) my various companions at one time or another to Sim Lim - for saving me from the sticky situations of hard sell, high pressure tactics of the salesmen; for being the subject of venting for a Hokkien ah pek lambasting my camera of choice all the way down, for the soft and hard approach adopted to get a better price, for the jokes cracked on the otherwise, leg breaking 6 storey adventure
2) Frens who are helping me ask their contacts for the lowest prices possible. I'm depending on you'll!!

3) (Updated 21/5/05) J, who has painstakingly trawled the net on her less than stable laptop to find reviews for those models I am contemplating

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For all the ceaseless meals that I seem to have and the multitude of reviews and recommendations I give about food and restaurants/eateries,
Thanks goes to the many other frens, for

a) putting up with the inconvenience in arrangements and dampening of spirits when I don't eat because I am i) skipping lunch ii) trying to adhere to a failing diet iii) already had lunch/dinner with someone else before meeting them OR

b) acceding to my requests and being coerced to eat at Cedele, Simply Bread, O' Briens, Toast, Delifrance, Bakerzin etc despite their protests of already having bread/cakes in the morning

For the once-in-a-lifetime backpacking trip that is imminent,

Thanks goes to all who have: a) kindly shared tips and reviews based on their own experiences b) helpfully provided links to blogs/ contacts of those who are there/ have been there c) sympathising with a graduate of management accounting who has sadly burst the budget by generously loaning out backpacks, money belts, memory cards, maps, guidebooks and contributing to the gelato fund d) daily alerts on newspaper articles of tourist spots and the currency situations

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the listening ear I had lend; doses of encouragement and advice I have given,
Thanks goes to frens who are on 24- hours standby, tolerating my nonsense on MSN, my rantings on the phone and patiently reading my incessant email complaints

For the chirpy and animated girl that others see,
Thanks goes to frens who have been there to cheer me up during my subdued, reticent, sulky moods and pick me up as I face disappointments, weather failures and cope with loss

For the mild tempered, easy going, pleasant image I present to the outside world,
Thanks goes to all at home for putting up with my impatience, quick temper, unreasonable and wilful ways, hurtful retorts and rebellious streak

For the brave smile that I wore and the 'I'm alright' whispers after the devastating loss,
Thanks goes to frens who stood by me, providing round- the-clock companionship in the darkest days, offering tissues for the tears, hugs for comfort, messages, books and prayers to heal the grieving spirit

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the one that would one day melt my heart,
Thanks goes to my Creator and Saviour for basking me in His love, the greatest love of all, every single day

Rich Gal, Poor Gal

2005-05-17T08:39:00.000+08:00

While the rich gal

1. Flashes her credit card to get discounts at restaurants
2. Gets a big welcome and is attentively ushered in to try the mouth-watering, uniquely crafted, freshly baked dessert and pastries at upclass bakeries
3. Redeems her accumulated points to enjoy a luxurious spa cum facial cum pedicure/manicure package
4. Receives personalised ideas and tips based on her preferences and features from her professional and experienced hairstylist when she wants a hairstyle change
5. Gets invitations to preview sales
6. Effortlessly monitors her heartbeat and calories burnt with a stylish Polar Heart Monitor
7. Plans to keep in good shape for the socialite lifestyle by signing for more gym sessions and activities with such inspiring names such as Cardio Kick, Power Steps and Body Combat
8. Draws a long shopping list filled with LV, Prada and what nots to be done in Europe

The poor gal....
1. Unglamorously takes out the coupons to get discounts at the eateries
2. Gets cordoned to join the snaking 830pm queue to get a taste of those bread and pastries, many of which disfigured by the frenzied grabbing once 830pm strikes
3. Contemplates enduring a bumpy ride to JB so as to enjoy the currency rates and get a value for money beauty session
4. Has to throng magazines/internet to get ideas and then try very very hard to activate the defunct imagination to see if the hairstyle would suit herself
5. Religiously flips through the newspaper early in the morning to know what is on sale and to forecast when/where there is going to be a storewide sale coming up
6. Puts a finger on the pulse and scares herself silly with a distracted-then-miscounted incredibly low heartrate count
7. Gets a heart pumping workout and sprint upon a fright by a cat brushing horrendously close to her when dashing across the road
8. Draws an equally long list, as consolation, to be fulfilled, not in Europe but in Bangkok

But despite it all, poor gal feels rich to have her lovely family and friends, a good book that puts life into perspective and draws her closer to Him once again. Poor gal is so thankful, for the numerous blessings that has come her way and you are one of them. :)

The Reason...

2005-05-15T20:32:00.000+08:00

Yes! It's a new entry and nope, it's not another song lyrics this time round:)

Thought I better add a new entry so that my frens out there have something to take their boredom out on, to entertain themselves with (esp for a particular anonymous who has a tendency to check blogs during class:P), to laugh at and to add comments to. So noble huh? *blushes*

Well, to be frank, it's cos I am afraid people will 1) get impatient and give up checking on my blog, 2) forget my blog link 3) my blog address gets replaced in their address histories by other blog addresses 4) stop reading my blog or 5) as E threatened, Blogger closes my account. *shudder*

You know,competition is very stiff as it is in the blogging world, - with bloggers out there fighting to gain readership, support and participation from their readers.

What with earnest blogging newbies spoiling the market with a minimum of 3 blog entries per day, others posting lots of colourful food pictures and reviews to tempt readers with virtual gastronomic feasts and some offering precious recommendations and tips for travel, shopping, haircut, wine and dine and lifestyle choices. And well, to add to that, which readers won't oogle at the splash of vibrant photos of photogenic babes and dudes or be attracted to the constant refreshing reinvention/face-lift of blog appearances to surprise the readers and keep them coming back for more?

So ya, for the plain looking, wordy blog that I have sans sexy tongue-twirling poses, pretty faces, attractive photos and pictures, and changes in blog appearances, I feel threatened by all these competitors and thought I had better be more accountable to the readers of my blog.

Haven't blogged for sometime, and while I am on that, might as well add that I haven't shopped, read, written and exercised for the longest time too...

Typical reasons people give for not blogging are:
a) Being too busy with too much things to do
b) Having no time
c) On travel with no internet access
d) Life's boring and nothing's happening or...
e) Exciting things are happening at lightning speed to be penned down.

My answer is: All of the above except e). Nah, sorry to disappoint you'll, frens. Not gonna be sending out invitations or making any public announcements soon. *Roll eyes*....c) is nearing though:P...and for the rest of the time, I am oscillating between a), b) and d).

a) and b) is when: Ideas, thoughts and feelings fleet through and fill my mind but are forgotten by the time I am at the screen or I lose my interest, my stand, my opinions half way through and these entries are left abandoned. Not to mention my long- overdue-not- started 9 pages worth of articles that give me the guilt trip whenever I start blogging .

d) is when: I am busily occupied with being a gd citizen by making regular contributions to the food and beverage sector, putting my waistline through numerous endurability and stress tests, living out scenes in novels and movies- of peope watching, indulging in good food and dessert, enjoying intimate company and cosy girls' chat.

So no, I did not quit from the blogging scene. And yes, there will be a number of food reviews coming up ....someday. But meantime, any kind sponsors from Haach, Marie France Bodyline or the fitness centres?

The Logical Song

2005-05-09T14:36:00.000+08:00

Artist: Supertramp
Written by: Roger Hodgson

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
clinical, intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.

Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.

Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're acceptable,
respectable, presentable, a vegtable!

At night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.

Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.

Closer

2005-05-02T06:44:00.000+08:00

5 megapixels, with a minimum 3.2 digital zoom

These were the simplified minimum specifications for a digicam that many well-meaning friends have given the gadget-idiot me. Why? I still asked unabashedly...So that the photos would be clearer and sharper, they patiently explain.

But somehow, I don't want my photos to be that sharp and focused...

What looks fine and attractive at a distance, usually pales visibly and often disappoints upon closer examinations.

Happy, radiant and peaceful faces give way to reveal blemishes of fretting & stress and creases of worry and anxiety.

An elegant and exquisite timepiece on display that constantly entices and tempts one to get it cannot conceal the awkward watch movements and a scratch on its surface when one takes a closer look

One or two songs that have tugged at hearts and induced tears might be the lead up to disappointment when one decides to buy the album .The rest of the songs may at best, only be forgettable.

Someone so attractive and desirable from a distance may upon closer interaction, evolve to someone irksome and repulsive, shattering that pristine and charming impression that one first had.

At times, it may be better not too know. So that, the good times and excellent impressions stay. So that the ugly has no chance to rear their heads to mar and distort. So that there isn't the disappointment and weariness of making a wrong assessment; devotion of time and energy to a wrong cause. So that things/people remain the way they are, at least in one's mind.

Perhaps its denial, perhaps its escapism, perhaps its cowardly behavior, but there are times I prefer not to know. I don't want to know- the reasons, the results, the truth. Sometimes, knowledge is not power, other times, knowledge is power- but destructive ones.

And for the rest of time, knowledge is simply bothersome-like reading in the Sunday Times that a small, tiny char siew pau that takes less than 1 minute to gulp down is a ghastly 363 calories and 15 g of fat. Bleah...and i didn't run today.

Where's Dunlop?

2005-04-29T11:43:00.000+08:00

I know where Soo Chow Garden is, how to drive to Greenwood to savour the choc cakes and fresh seafood, where to park when one wants to try the acclaimed food from shops that have sprung up along Purvis Street, where chwee kueh and Rotiboy are tucked away in the back lanes of Toa Payoh, the shortest way to get to the claypot rice stall at Chinatown without having to traipse through the haphazard and intricate maze of stalls there.

But where is Dunlop Street which is just a stonethrow from where I live? Or the eye-brow threading place which so many of my friends patron are giving me rave reviews about? And what about the economical French dining experience at The French Stall?

Somehow, that's what familiarity does -causes one to take things for granted. Or perhaps, it's a case of the grass appearing greener on the other side. Or maybe familiarity tends to breed contempt, so i keep a safe distance so as not to get sick of the place/person.

Food for thought before i go on yet another food trip:P

Why?

2005-04-25T01:54:00.000+08:00

Why is it that I...

Switch the radio to blasting, adrenalin-rushing, heart-thumping songs when what I need is soothing, classical tunes to help me focus on studying

Indulge in those butter-soaked breads and sugar-laden cakes all the time while fully aware that they are the main culprits in my fats/carbohydrates accumulation and weight gain

Arrange action packed, back to back meetings when I'm so exhuasted and desperately need more rest to prevent the furious nodding off at work

Stay up late despite my skin's violent protest at the lack of beauty sleep

Still don't/forget to save and back up files despite the numerous traumatic accounts/experiences of painstakingly done/downloaded projects/music lost

Drown myself with noisy and frivolous chats when I ought to spend time alone to quieten down, think and sort through my feelings & thoughts and do a self-check and evaluation

Dwell in self-pity, agonise and harp on grades when it's over. And I thought I have experienced enough of life & death to know that this is so miniscule and insignificant and I have been so blessed in other ways

Harbour expectations when in most(all) cases, the hopes vanish, and end in hard falls and bitter disappointments

Know someone/something is not worth my pursuit and yet still brood and hanker over the person/thing

The situations re-enact themselves time and again...Is it stubborness? Ill-discipline? Denial? Carelessness...Don't I learn?

Star spotted!

2005-04-24T08:42:00.000+08:00

What do Singaporeans do when they spot stars?

Possessing even more superb acting skills than the actors and actresses, any signs of recognition and excitement of spotting an idolised star is immediately masked with a nonchalant and haughty, I-don't-watch-TCS-serials, I-don't-know-you look.

Once settled in a strategic seat with a good view of the star, phone is whipped up on the pretense of attending to important business but instead, frenzied whistle blowing smses and calls to alert frens are savvily sent in rapid succession.

Glances are casually shot in the direction of the star to monitor the situation and to catch snippets of what his conversation might be about. Occassionally, the star catches the curious stares and attempts to smile so as not to be considered 'cocky' but smiles are refuted by icy cold who-are-you? looks.

When star gives indication of leaving, heart sinks a little but of course, it is once again cleverly and skillfully concealed. The professional journalism instinct springs into action in a bid to find out who his female companion so as not to let all the concerned frens and fans down. Stars awkwardly walk to the counter to foot the bill- smiles unacknowledged and unreciprocated.

Any onlooker would have safely assumed the customers was really in oblivion of the stars' presence in the cafe and their dazzling star aura...

If not for the ensuing craning of necks to see where the stars are heading , the ratings of the stars' looks, critique of his english and curious discussion if they are an item once the stars were out of earshot.

It's not easy to be a star in Singapore...

Surf Stopped

2005-04-21T09:01:00.000+08:00

In the oh-so-popular trend of surf stopping....here's two from my ever faithful publicity managers for the event ... credit also goes to the steady-hand camera gal and the budding supporting actress who, still fresh out of school, does not know where the camera screen is. *Lolz*

What am gonna do without my entourage? Muahhh...Thx so much gals!

Sloth

2005-04-18T10:34:00.000+08:00

It's amusing that how- during the exam week,

1) Everyone's on MSN perpetually all the time despite being hard up for time to finish revision
2) Blog entries increase in frequency although exam week isn't exactly the most happening/ interesting of times
3) Remained wide-eyed and attentive in front of the laptop while watching episodes after episodes of drama serial
4) Effortlessly waking up early for morning jogs
5) Going out, planning of meal venues and things to do are greeted with much enthusiasm and interest

But now that the exams are over,

The momentum has fizzled and slowed to a crawl...

1) The number of people on MSN has visibly dipped
2) The blogging scene is totally quiet with no urge to write although the weekend was action packed, with much to reflect on and blog about.
3) Dozing off in a movie and thus, missing the all important ending
4) The gravitational pull towards the bed is irresistible although there has been no physical nor mental exertion, except for the mouth and stomach, during the weekend
5) Lazing around, too lazy to even dress up/get ready to step out of the house/make an effort to be punctual... more than willing to let time jus tick by

Urghh....Sloth has kicked in...

The Last Day in School...

2005-04-15T17:20:00.000+08:00

3 hours after the final exam,I am...

i) In the library one last time- for once without an agenda or to-complete list

ii) With MSN status finally set, not to Busy or Away but Online

iii) Unleashing my week-long suppression of MSN-ing by masterfully chatting with 11 people simultaneously

iv) Ruthlessly deleting emails from the school account that up to yesterday, I was obliged to keep but which relevance has since vanished today with me no longer a student

v) Avidly researching and taking a simulated familiarization virtual tour to Europe:P

vi) Re-enacting the times in e library with mugging and hard-at-work poses for photoshots and memory sake

On this last official day in school...

Today & Tomorrow

2005-04-14T22:28:00.000+08:00

Today's...

1) Losing battle against bleary eyes despite upped caffeine intake
2) Restlessness and chronic strays from textbooks/notes to:

MSN
SMS
Blogs
Travel Sites/Forums
Food/Restaurant/Pubs Reviews
Radio surfing
Songs & lyrics

3) Growing pre-exams gutsy resolutions for post-exams:

Exercise more
Clear up mess
Back-up data on laptop
Tag playlists
Read an enriching book etc etc etc

4) Intensifying desperation for more time as a result of 2) & 3)
5) Fervent anticipation and euphoria of post-'pens down' and the end of student life

Tomorrow's...

1) No-need-for-stimulant insonmia
2) Dissipation of enthusiasm, waning of interest and accumulating weariness to indulge in the activities
3) Forgotten/Ignored vows
4) Boredom and aimlessness of too much time on hand
5) Anticlimax , resignation and blasé-ness

It's but another day...

The Calm Before the Storm

2005-04-12T09:14:00.000+08:00

I should be....

1) Focused in preparing for e very last 2 exams in sch
2) Nearing the end of my revision according to schedule
3) Doing practise questions and trying out mock exam papers by now
4) Embarking on a second round of revision soon

Instead, I am...

1) Barely started with reading the textbooks for the 1st time...
Needless to say, the end is nowhere in sight.
2) Enthusaistically probing my memory for long-forgotten songs to download and setting up a distribution network for the painstakingly attained songs
3) Eagerly and incessantly reading blogs, checking for the latest entries and prying into people's lives
4) Fervently tucking into sinful, calorie-laden chocolates, bread, pastries and ice-cream compliments of indulgent family and friends who thinks I am hard at work
5) Boosting myself with renewed hopes and determination every night that tom would be different.

The eye of the hurricane is characterized by a roughly circular area of light winds and rain-free skies and the lowest pressure.This zone is surprisingly calm with little or no wind. Within the eye, the skies are often clear, despite the fact that winds and clouds continue to rage around the edge of the eye. Over the ocean the sea can be treacherous under the eye because high waves are converging.
( Source: http://www.fema.gov/hazards/hurricanes/hurglos.shtm)

That's where I am now... with no sense of urgency, too calm and unpanicky for my own comfort...
If you are checking and reading this within minutes of my posting, welcome to the club:P

Idle...

2005-04-10T06:30:00.000+08:00

My first...

1. Sat morning at home
2. 24 hours off the internet
3. 7 hours of sleep + 2 hours of nap
4. Complete read (flip:P) of the Straits Times from cover to cover
5. Leisure breakfast savoured at the dining table vs gulped down in front of laptop screen
6. Presence at a family dinner with a bonding session of sorts with mum, paying rapt attention to her update on neighbours and frens and esp their sons whilst wryly, not divulging any of my own

Since the semester began...
After the submission of a long-drawn and draining last project...
After 4 months of bustling about everywhere but at home...
Only because -fighting signs of fever, cough and flu- I was coerced into quarantine...

Perhaps, besides wanting to...

1) Watch: Spanglish, The Wedding Date, Ballet Under the Stars, Boeing Boeing, Sound of Music, The Lord of the Dance, The Best of Broadway-An Intimate Night with Lea Salonga

2) Try:
Menus of : Menotti, Pete's Place, Marmalade Pantry, V Tea Room, Sushi Tei
Drinks at : Molly Malaone's Irish Pub, Ballymoons, The Book Cafe, Southbridge Jazz, Fabulous Fizz , City Space

3) Buy: Digicam, Watch, Wallet, Fragrance, Clothes, Accessories etc etc etc

I need more quiet times like now...

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

2005-04-09T05:47:00.000+08:00

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda
Beverly Knight

People say that together we were both sides of the same coin
That we would shine like Venus in a clear night sky
We thought our love could overcome the circumstances
But my ambition wouldn't allow for compromise

I could see in the distance all the dreams that were clear to me
Every choice I had to make left you on your own
Somehow the road we started down had split asunder
Too late to realise how far apart we'd grown

Chorus:
How I wish I, wish I'd done a little bit more
Now "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" means I'm out of time
Coz "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" can't change your mind
And I wonder, wonder what I'm gonna do
"Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" are the last words of a fool

People ask how it feels to live the kind of life others dream about
I tell them everybody gotta face their highs and their lows
And in my life there's a love that i put aside
Cause I was busy loving something else
So for every little thing you hold on to, you've got to let something else go

Chorus

Fool if I would now forsake the opportunities are fakeI know I'm right where I belong
But sometimes when I'm not that strong

Chorus(x2)

Can't change your mind...

A Friend is A Call Away...

2005-04-07T06:56:00.000+08:00

A record breaking 4 hours and a raspy, sexy voice later...

L, had a lovely time chatting with you yest/today. Take care n cant wait to mit up when u r back.